At first it began with unfamiliarity. Vast stretches of time , uninhabited by purposefulness , let me traverse the fastness of life's intrinsic queerness . Hitherto, i had been filling the overdetermined slate of my mind with patches of blankness . I sought to prolong these interludes if only to nestle inside and ensconce myself in non being where this queerness would cease to imperil my self. I placed myself against places i could be, could cohabit where this malevolent queerness would cease to induce despair. I staved it off with points of time which i made fixed points of concentrated activity. But like a dogged stray this queerness , which i can neither name nor contain which gnaws me within with unlived life and lacerates me without in a life i neither chose nor want to live. I experienced queerness as an antagonist waiting to ambush me. I fought against it indefatigably before conceding defeat , bowing out in supplicated acceptance. I acceded to it unprotestingly .
Gradually other queernesses which had soothed me, enclosed in the warm glow of repletion, both imagined and real, began making their way to conscious life. It was the ennui precipitated by submergence that allowed queerness to wash over me like a wave, eroding my defenses , smoothing my brittleness , creating and then crumbling cracks in me . I knew that with time i would disaggregate , would scatter into component parts and into dust, mingle with the saline sea. Meanwhile each inrushing wave felt, not like an onslaught that pummeled me but like a kiss, soft, whispery,feathery. The other queer sub selves in me mingled , blended , superimposed, refracted and recomposed in a viscous hue of variegation whose myriad colors dappled and swooped and pirouetted in density and intricacy of such intensity that i became multiple. I now possessed in me, as with an artist,brushstrokes of infinitesimal yet infinite alterations that would transform, reconfigure and reconstitute me in innumerable permutations. Time will ground me down, scrub off the skin i wore but meanwhile i am possessed of endless plasticity and can emerge from the chrysalis with each plunge , going under momentarily,precariously adrift and then reemerge anew , afresh , bursting with lives i can live and consigning to oblivion the fear that feared queerness thereby making my immersion in life in the here and now an adventure.