Tuesday, October 20, 2015


I am feeling swamped by density. What i had taken to be meaning now reveals its intrinsic nothingness. Vast skeins of convolutions unspool off me. With this mass massed in my chest i feel immobile,with the kernel of existence, which is the very fact of existing, unbreathed. Instead i encompass this emptiness in me. It is incommunicable, i can't articulate it. It daubs my spirit with penumbral streaks. Distilled are the stertorous exhalations of sadness, transmuting into a despair that enervates.
Xanax soothes me into nothingness. But this is not the nothingness that confers the nothing immanent in the midst of what seems to be nothing. I become nothing. The anesthetized fug of sleepiness tugs at the undertow of my depression. I ebb and flow on the waves of despair. An occasional mnemonic, materialized, rendered a facsimile by the analgesia of medication, swamps me in residual disquiet, an offshoot off a concatenation of interlinked disquiets. And there lodged, spurts of suicide are squirted, blackening , thickening and deepening the dark waters below.
Occasionally though the visible world, apprehensible through the senses, provides a momentary distraction. The quotidian lulls me into a sense of restfulness. But the substratum of self reproach, with the quickening momentum of palpable unnerving, seen through the tenebrous hinterland of the mauve within the crimson, underscores momentousness, momentariness. Thus while i grasp at the elusive ,mercurial present as a present in the form of experience experienced in that instant i am ambushed by the vestigial currents of misgivings that run parallel with precarious hope.
But i soldier on. In the mosaic of my being i surrender to the silence, the silence which , unheard, unapprehended but sensed, intuited, stipples the aesthetic consciousness in me with striations of faith, the faith that the faithlessness i entomb within is itself, through its very absence of faith, a form of trust, trust in the capricious which has in it, coexistent, both light and dark, conglomerated with multifarious grays.