Tuesday, August 25, 2015

IN BETWEEN

Agnes lay in her husband's arms, her hair tumbled over her shoulders. She had shut off thought or tried to, to the best of her ability. She wanted to enjoy this moment. The sweaty, lemony, vanilla scent of the body, aftershave and perfume mingled sensuously in her mind. The small made certain nerve ends pop so that while   a sensuousness induced diffuse energies there was , simultaneously,a sharpening of the mind. As her body drooped, relaxing, slackening her mind became alert . Yet , for the moment ,she let the alertness exist in a disembodied space of lassitude. She felt a vague restlessness which her body did not permit her to theorize but whose presence, unarticulated , her mind kept intimating .

She wrapped her fingers around Ed's nipple, stroking, circling the aureole between thumb and forefinger before pinching it. She performed this gesture desultorily, engaged in the mechanism of the gesture while being, at a level, disengaged. Ed's glasses had dropped to his nose. His copy of 'Tropic of cancer' induced no great lubricity. Rather reams of semi philosophical, verbose prose punctuated with earthiness and sexual shenanigans necessitated a concentration he couldn't apply. The prose, registered in a state of semi slumber, with a certain awakened  knowledge of  suggestive phrases ,roiled and churned sluggishly. Both wife and man were alternately restful and  in a state of trance. The imperceptible currents of self consciousness kindled and waned , sparking off an odd intimation here, overpowering with sensual heat there. It was not a state of either denial or a supercharged perceptiveness.They both felt, amid this interstice, agreeably indolent and calm. It seemed as though the tumult, by its very uneventfulness , instituted equilibrium.

Agnes half dozed , half awake placed  her palm on Ed's chest. She fingered the faint white scar there she had scratched violently in her manic phase. They had, she recollected , been making love and she had been writhing and convulsing, possessed of a primal ferocity. She had screamed and scratched and then woken up a day later in a state of calmness, after the lithium. Yet , beyond the definitions of bipolarity she had glimpsed in herself a sexual potentiality, through the mist of heightened sensory perception. It made her both embarrassed yet excited. She stretched her palm over Ed's pectorals , ruefully recalling the change that moment had wrought in their subsequent lovemaking. She became less inhibited, more assertive while Ed seemed content to allow for a space or interlude where he could lie back and be unfettered by the customary sexual role of incessant activity.

Ed's wistful smile mirrored Agnes's. He felt flushed with warmth and love because he had truly discovered his love for Agnes after that momentous manic night. It wasn't her vulnerability or the crippling reality of a mental illness but of how, the experience of descent had strengthened her, deepened her self knowledge. He much liked this complex Agnes who surprised him continually with newer ,undiscovered nuances.Agnes's knowledge of Ed's essential goodness consisted in her peeling off the layers of his integument while Ed's appraisal was like adducing, through discovery, an ever protean Agnes who metamorphosed in accordance with the contingent yet whose own inward probity was unaltered.

Ed stroked Agnes's hair and she mumbled pleasurably. Words were unnecessary because touch indicated a deeper reality where their inner selves entwined and interpenetrated. Both were content with the space they were in. And if Ed sometimes wished he could fuck Agnes's ass or if Agnes fantasized about riding a spreadeagled Ed they knew they would find ways of reconfiguring this unconscious desire. There would be, given the reality they existed within, a brief lapse into terrifying nothingness, of a territory uncharted and dark. But then they would let that dark traverse their inner beings, finding in that labyrinth of interiority a dimension where that which was primal would become relational, where the desire, experienced with such primeval intensity ,would temper its voracity by accepting that it coexisted with the warmth and empathy they roused in each other. At this moment, they were in this in between zone, this coalescence of the corporeal and the incorporeal. No word or act was necessary. There was touch, there was the luminosity of reciprocity and the oasis of self containment, indivisible yet cleaved. It was enough. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

PATTERNS OF LOVE

Two men prepared to make love. The younger man was highly conscious of the stippling of hairs on his legs and the brittle though bushy down from his lower stomach to his crotch. He had shaved his armpits and waxed his arm hairs. A sort of bleached hairlessness of the upper body existed at odds with the hairier lower half. The young man, conscious of this disparity, blushed inwardly at the poor impression his body would be making on the older man whom he had met at  a pub. He had liked the beard , the slim yet muscular physique and a certain avuncular proclivity discernible in the twinkly eyes and  warm gestures of touch. It corresponded , in fragments, to the blueprint of a lover the young man had conceptualized and imbued with form , knowing that such an endowment would be inconceivable in reality. But the older man seemed to fit into an abstract pattern or so, at any rate, the young man felt, about the contingent ascendancy of that pattern at that moment. None of this was theorized by him or even articulated. These inner processes were unconscious yet influenced thought and action. The young man wanted sex yet feared it, feared the primal sensations of possessiveness that would gnaw him and inveigle inadequacy and self recrimination. For the sex act comes with its own paraphernalia and appendages .Certain structures and emotional landscapes are sanctioned. The fucking often negotiates the circumference of these parameters and orgasm, in its truest sense, is emotional, predicated on the emotional equilibrium . Yet most, even when they fuck, bring to the fucking their fucked up natures and fuck each other up. Beneath the oscillating pantomimes and genuine moues of pleasure and repletion a subterranean network insidiously operates. The bodies may be sated but consciousness lives out the ramifications of the tangled psychophobia. What the young man often sought was this primordial urge to grab hold of an erect penis and suck the life out of it, ingesting, with the sperm, the being of his lover. His dreams were violent actualizations of this primevality and he navigated sex acts in the bedroom with self restraint. Through a suspension of voracity he attained a modicum of pleasure, masochistically deriving pleasure from the self abnegation he evinced  though such renunciation is undiscerned by the other because the dissembling is flawless. The young man feels awkward in his body. He would like a body of total hairlessness, with an accompaniment of feminine accoutrements which are as much intrinsic propensities. He fancies a tangible materialization of the complex configuration of gender and sex that roils in him. The contemplation of this fancy recompenses the sordidness of reality.  Dissimulation is inveterate in him because it is what ensures a more uneventful existence.Besides this true self, which is  a constantly protean constellation of images and forms, has a certain primitive intensity that frightens him. He simultaneously seeks and flees from his true self. Meanwhile the makeshift self assumes an overwhelming actuality.

The older man glances lovingly at the young man's body. Desire is preponderant in him. He is indulgent of the young man's gentle kisses and nibbles which is his perfunctory obeisance to the foreplay. But after ineffectual indulgence he plants a deep kiss . His questing tongue penetrates the young man's mouth. They kiss profusely, ferociously, as the sexual heat intersects. The older man bites into the young man's nipples, the serrated edges of his teeth leaving scintillant ,tingling sensations in the young man's nervous system.The young man's fellatio excites the older man. He forces the young man's tentative mouth deeper into his penis. It is the act of deep throated penetration that excites him more than the depth of the fellatio. He breathes stertorously, whips out a condom and encloses his damp and tumescencent cock into it. For the older man, years of sex has led to a certain blunting. Sex activates certain nerve ends, a replete penis,having expended sperm testifies to consummation and the slight breathlessness a validation of having performed competently. It is not a deflection or disembodied avoidance of emotion but a coalescence of the spirit and the flesh where the depersonalization of the spirit is concordant with a stimulation of the glans. The young man is a possibility for concentring the vague sexual energy, six months of abstinence have inveigled, an abstinence occasioned not out of abstemiousness but necessity, a recovery from pneumonia. If  a dissociation of love exists it is because the mechanics of sexual performance has itself become a pattern, a pattern he acquiesces to, with pleasurable surrender which is realized by assertiveness, by being active. The young man's tentativeness pleases him, the foreplay, performed gently, has validated the old man's own blueprints. He is content with the blueprint for it both authenticates an external pattern which confers existential certitude and disallows unconscious mnemonics to creep in. Both men repress and withhold, with their accompanying postures of active and passive.

But the young man is riven by contradictions. He chafes against the pattern.As he observes the older man's putting on of the condom, misgivings crystallize. The conscious knowledge of repression becomes a compendious accumulation of duplicities that subsumes him. Yet the moment of sex, with its own patterns, distances this knowledge, transposing disquiet into a certain breathlessness, a palpitation of the heart, a spasmodic shudder of untapped possibilities that threaten spillage. Suddenly the young man turns around, sucking the older man's nipples furiously, biting the surrounding aureole of hair with a certain passion.He tugs, with unrestrained ferocity, with his lips, at the older man's chest hair as though to bite the hairiness out of them. He grabs his penis and sucks, bites suggestively,cupping the testicles, squeezing them hard, milking them as though to unleash a deluge of semen. The older man, though bewildered initially by these acts , catches on the fever. Both men gyrate to the primal dance of  transcendent possibility. The younger man, having exhausted the importunity of possessiveness offers up his anus . While the older man, thrusts his penis in and out with a certain langour that whips up into frenzied strokes though this is a departure from his habitual direct violent thrusting. It seems as though there is a relinquishment of possessiveness here too, as also an avowal of the possibility of sex that is not a unrestrained exhaustion of energies but a building up of energy,an escalation, a gathering of momentum to reach a climax wherein what is expelled is being, inner being, wherein the desire of the other , acknowledged, acclimatized to, mingles emotion with the corporeal.Both men pant after the orgasm. The young man gently licks the shaft, lapping up those droplets of semen, relishing their milky astringence. The older man strokes the young man's forearms,occasionally kissing his palm with gentle solicitude. The pattern is ruptured for the instituting of a more fulfilling pattern. The young man, in seeking to dissolve the being of the other into himself has externalized his sexual energy, by going beyond his hunger for satiation to locate a more sanguine displacement and recomposing of pleasure. It is no longer an extension of his omnivorousness but a recognition of the other, a siphoning off of solipsism and a realization of a possibility of pleasure beyond self ratification. The older man has relinquished his own pattern of thoughtless penetration, informing his own violent desire with tenderness, gentleness , enjoying the taste of warm flesh, the more unagressive forms of love wherein physical urgency is dispersed into other realms.

Unbeknownst to both men an inner transmogrification has occurred, a certain metaphysical consciousness. It was the concatenation of frustration and resentment with that frustration , expressed through a going beyond of the pattern that brings an apotheosis. Both men have travelled to the edge of the precipice, through sex, extended their self absorbed desire to the fullest and having burst its bubble of narcissism, affirmed the relationality of both flesh and spirit. Possession and surrender, immanent, coexist equally. In discovering the synthesis sex makes realizable they ratify the essential oneness and interconnectedness of body and soul, mind and heart,being and becoming.