Monday, July 27, 2015


Some of us survived. And we felt both desolate yet smug. The prospect of our massive truncation as a species threatened our own imminent sustenance but we had been saying for years and years things which were labelled delusions. And now suddenly it's all come alive.
I spent my entire young adulthood in a mental institution. And if i felt a chaotic unreason within me it was because it mirrored the chaos outside of me. My visions were perceived as distortions. I saw spaceships, wildernesses and nuclear attack in my psychoses as being intertwined in that we would, i hallucinated ,in our quest to chart the cosmos, burn ourselves out. I do not recall the form this delusion took but it was sufficiently disfigured to be rendered unrealistic . Those were dark times. Many took drugs to heal their inner pain but in the process blunted any sense or feeling. Skyscrapers reared , mosques proliferated, people started carrying guns for they feared for their life. It was a time of pervasive unrest. Being labelled mad saved me from partaking of these depredations and induced a detachment that helped me survive.
We all believed strongly in moral principles. Our sense of right and wrong was impeccable. Yet when chaos broke forth all these moral scruples were overturned. People still believed they were doing the right thing but random killings became ubiquitous, unease and paranoia rose monumentally. Soon everyone was scurrying about trying to protect themselves . People began annihilating that and those who threatened to annihilate them. Suddenly religion , which some held steadfastly to as an emblem of a specific king of truth, collapsed. Proselytizers scoured the streets for heretics, schools were burned down, all opposition was eliminated and the rest lived in a state of crippling fear. Suicides rose exponentially because suddenly adherents and fanatics were deprived of interlocutors whom they could pummel with violence. Everywhere they looked they found either unutterable terror or a faith in a void, an absence. So they took their own lives, yelling piteously that salvation would be forthcoming but stripped of the righteousness that underpinned it. The faith coiled back on itself, replicating the same void it had assiduously but ineffectually circumvented.
People had depleted the sources in department stores. Water was scarce. Radioactive waste poisoned everything. Buildings were razed to the ground, corporations absconded with wealthy businessmen running away with their loot. They still inhabit some environmentally safe corners in the world, with a set of acolytes, in love with their perspicacity. Food was scavenged for, flesh was torn of corpses and consumed and even bones were grounded and mixed with the brackish water to satiate raging hunger. It was nature red in tooth and claw. Democracy, equality became redundant not because they were unideal but because the forces of unconscious madness had spread like fire. When people, logical, rational people were threatened with survival they had to take up guns. They reverted to their primal constituents. Rape, incest , sadomasochism became the only way some could express their primevality. Oxygen masks were clamped to noses, puffed on as though like cigars. All sorts of cancers and skin diseases killed off people.
But we survived because we were mad. While everything plummeted our worst forebodings were actualized. But we were calm because the very things that terrified us were now taking place. And many of us found life amid this rubble. We formed a small community in a remote south american rainforest. We grew things organically, encouraged visions, telepathies to flourish. There was this huge void we all had traversed and now suddenly there was this emptiness. And we could shape it the way we wanted and what we wanted was a transcendence of through negotiation of the darkest corners within us. We didn't abandon moral structures from our halcyon days but we reconfigured them. We, the nutters, the discards, the anomalies found ourselves among the few survivors. A few fundamentalist factions remained but infighting and fragmentation was atrophying them. What they sought to obliterate we cultivated but with self awareness and eternal vigilance.
We would like to blend with the earth when we die, our animal species are hardier, durable, grafted and realigned in accordance to the new climate and so are we. We pray but we pray to the nameless, the ineffable and we pray for the sake of grace,a grace we created, knowing it is precarious yet all that we have.
Things had to fall apart to reconstruct. Our small oasis will grow organically and a balance between the individual and collective will be sought and perhaps found. We live on hope.