Friday, February 13, 2015

CONTRARIWISE

I am contradictory. I formulate a thought, thinking it will sustain me and then immediately a cavalcade of contradictions crop up unbidden. Thought stretches in manifold directions, takes numerous forms and embodiments so much so that the original thought , conceived in the ingenuous hope of its sustainability, is overwhelmed by others. The kaleidoscope undergoes multiple configurations. What also occurs, and though this process is imperceptible to me, is that thoughts intermingle, interpenetrate. One thing is mixed up with the other in polychromatic profusion. Distilling a singular sliver becomes impossible. It is very much like memory except that the thought is more evanescent.
I am self contradictory. In the mosaic of my consciousness many thoughts repose, unthought of and unarticulated. These thoughts are like petals around consciousness or arabesques. Each hue, petal is crisscrossed with filigree intersections. Each thought contains within itself many mini thoughts which go on to give the thought the form they do. But the intermingling of these gossamer filigrees underscores the tenuousness of the component parts which, though indubitably indivisible are cleaved to a larger conglomeration.
A thought juts out with many threads attached to it, many constituents adhesively but fluidly interleaved with stipples of variegation wherein a form is never inviolable because its constituents are constantly metamorphosing. In the antechamber of the unconscious mind these thoughts repose. Sometimes their emergence is unbidden,elsewhere they are wrenched into consciousness cognitively. Like a quark incessant flux is the reality of the unconscious and its protean indeterminacy.
A thought is mirrored to me when i glance into the silvered depths of the mind. It floats disembodiedly, in a concatenation .What i receive as a distillation into my conscious mind reveals, to me, the coruscating hall of mirrors in my unconscious. It is easy to get lost, be beguiled by the varying alternations of numerous reflections. But a retrospective cogitation gives a shape and a form to these inchoate nebulosities. All the images are compressed and condensed to create a singular image which is precariously soldered, capable of disintegration. But this amorphous mnemonic is all i have. From this i carve a becoming from my being.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

TEMPORAL

Waking up from a dreamless slumber, inasmuch as dreams can be unrecollected i saw the dials of the clock in the early morning. A dense thicket of mist permeated and befogged the windows. All was subfusc and the luminous dials glowed phosphorescent in the dawn. And me, well while i had dreamlessly slumbered i had consciously, though seemingly, unconscious of it, ravelled and unravelled my life into newer patterns or repeating old patterns in a reconfigured form.
I am going to write. What the content of my narrative exposition shall be is unknown to me though exposition is the form my mind has formed a blueprint of. I anticipate sitting down at my desk and writing away that which i cannot at this moment conceptualize of articulate. So i will articulate what is yet unknown to me. From whence will it emerge and what form am i going to give it?
Presumably what i will write will come from me. Is it, then something i already know, though the knowledge of it is unbeknownst to me? Or will i build up my narrative as i proceed with the process. The mechanism is nebulous and the certainty indeterminate. But a blueprint clearly exists in my mind, or so is my present cogitation before i embark on this activity i strive to explicate yet which defies explanation. The blueprint uncoils and unfurls as my mind, funnelled into concentration by focus squeezes out from the innards of my unconscious mind mnemonics of what i will consecutively explore.
Is there a pattern to this blueprint? Does it have a shape or a form that is preexisting? Am i actualizing the latent or pouring forth the fusillade as it is poured out in the antechamber of my mind. Am i spinning a yarn or is a yarn being spun out of me. This amorphousness is grating, this incertitude galling. Could i then, exert a measure of control through apprehending this process or will its putative unknowability testify to the strength of my narrative which, freed from a controlling consciousness meanders and forks out unexpectedly. Will my stream be all the truer if it is predicated on the immediacy of experience or will a technique, premeditated and preconceived, impose order on chaos.
For what it is worth this is what i have now written. In theorizing the constituents of this complex process i have neither achieved an answer nor resolved the ceaseless flurry of questions that are determinant on it. The sunlight is filtering in through the blinds, a wan but burgeoning light is specking the spots in the room where it alights with shafts of luminosity whose contraction and expansion rest on the motion of the curtains and the slant of light. But in this here, in this now, i am certain of one thing. Which is that in trying to get at the heart of this writing which i knew or didn't know about as i wrote into the unknown is now, at this very moment, a gauging of the very heart of that complexity itself.