Thursday, December 17, 2015

IN THE NAME OF TRUTH

I was to find no continuum between friendship and self preservation in Naveen and i felt angry and confused. On the one hand i believed i had intuited the better side of his being which he constantly undermined by withdrawing. Initially interpreting his withdrawal as reticence i merely strove to reinforce my authentic friendly feelings for him. But this only worsened his neurosis. I am not desirous any longer to make excuses for this conduct. I do not see myself as irreproachable and deplore my own self complacence. But i draw the line at attributing pathology to myself. After rigorous self analysis, having titled the kaleidoscope of my unconscious from myriad angles , i absolve myself of underhand motives. Doubtless this might seem self forgiveness or even self justification. There can be any number of theories expatiating on the strand of pathology underpinning my conclusion. I eschew the indulgence they proffer because either surrendering to the recondite , circumlocutory causality of psychology would subsume me in self hatred or else preoccupy me with its abstruse lineaments. There is something irresistible about the artistry of self analysis , the process itself hints at endless speculation . But i am done with that.

Naveen's conduct is unconscionable because he has misconstrued  his defensiveness as sagacious. I have no desire to plumb his mind and process the experience of past hurts which has transmuted in him as neurotic watchfulness. I am just too tired battling my feelings of inadequacy and  melancholy. Something about his quiet truculence, even if it emanates from his own anxieties , nonetheless disquiets me, inducing a depression very deep seated. I have a rational explanation which is both self serving and explanatory. As well as a retrospective understanding, undertaken with full self awareness , of my uncomplicated motives. While Naveen thinks it behoves me to make concessions for him he refuses to reciprocate with similar realignments. The tenor of his relationship to me is based on imposing a structure that suits his contradictory , schizoid self. My needs, expectations are superfluous or extraneous. I am expendable. When the petals of his solipsism and self loathing close in on themselves i feel an urge to tear away at those petals of self protection, rend  them into shreds . I want to smash his obduracy, inveigle a space for my being and its attendant emotional landscape. While he seeks solace in the monochrome of  withdrawal i seek the polychromatic density of variegation. And in his intransigence i have felt my own colours and flavors of emotional depth bleach, desiccate. It is my petals that are shriveling, withering, falling apart, strand by strand. In his smug neuroses Naveen has managed to keep a tenuous scaffolding while i have fallen apart completely.

I oscillate between telling him what i feel , unleashing my anger or detaching myself, hoping my absence will weigh on him by osmosis. Since he assumes my neurotic attention to himself , its coordinates of inveterate phone calls and messages unresponded to, as a given i desire a moving away. While silence seems expedient it also seems manipulative. And guile is something i both detest and see the necessity of with him. Habituated to candor, transparency, of laying bare the mosaic of my tangled emotions i spurn calculation, stratagems. It is increasingly clear ,however , that my sincerity has compounded the problem. This sincerity, whose probity in myself is a  form of narcissistic complaisance and moral superiority, has caused me to fragment. I cannot conceive of a defensive strategy to counteract Naveen's moving away . Within myself , the primal emotions are churning so precipitously that i fear acting, terrified of some knee jerk response that will destroy everything.

A makeshift restitution is all i can think of . And the moral certainty of my intention i alluded to does me no favor because it exists in a vacuum. In the integument of the honest friendship i offered Naveen there was a compendium of fears and insecurities he brought it that muddied the clear waters, soiled the precarious purity of what i felt. This sense of my good intentionality has to, ultimately, be my sole recompense. I hope Naveen will divine it some day though even that hope, given his continual self absorption , seems inconceivable. But time changes people and the belief that Naveen will come to his senses and penetrate the simplicity of my regard is what i predicate my hope on. Though having arrived at a facsimile of compensation in the face of the hinterland of human darkness, in the full knowledge of its provisionality,discomfits at lonely moments i intend to carry on. 

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