I tilt my mobile camera, trying to take a shot that reveals the self i present in a manner that i seek to present it in, something spontaneous and effervescent yet something definite, an aspect of myself that has been mediated by a vestigial sense of who i feel i am. A selfie is, after all, both performance and veracious in that it functions chiefly, to my mind, as an aspect of my i choose to represent then, with all the zest and fun contained in it
Knowing somewhere that a selfie would be inadequate, would need a panoply of other selfies, captured and held at varying points of time, representing my myriad hues. But the problem is that even as my finger prepares to click my posture freezes with self consciousness, a consciousness not only of my unknowability to myself but of its funneling through a lens of imperceptible inner metamorphoses which emerge in a simpler form
Though even if i were to just take a snap of myself in complete unselfconsciousness i would have, unconsciously, chosen the form this naturalness of pose would evoke, in that split second before i click the picture and prepare the self that would be captured. The more i seek self control over which aspect of myself to present the more i am beset by a cavalcade of complexities within me , churning, roiling, necessitating a certain patterning that would resolve their precarious bulwark of self sufficiency amid undiscerned chaos. Even alacrity is no certitude for authenticity
As the very act of choosing which face to face the world with involves a certain defacement, with the fear that my selfie face, a symbol of my momentary self certainty might itself become indistinct and nugatory in the larger facelessness of facebook, of its vast anonymity , wherein , in order not to face up to the impulses of vulnerabilities i locate in myself , i seek comfort in facepalms and emoticons
Because words are shrinking into images which are funneling from the mosaic of untapped landscapes of the mind certain predetermined forms that are necessary to obviate, propitiate, circumvent the possibility of offending someone though what offends is being misapprehended or blocked and that is really an augmentation of being faceless nameless symbolically as though obliteration from the gaze of the other pushes into such existential anxiety that another set of selfies become necessary
Wherein what i am, on the wall which is supposed to be me, is a constellation of irreconcilable fragments and moods and beings,a distillation of splittings that does not cohere, that reveals guile, dissembling , neediness, fear, neuroses , love, all the paraphernalia of my unresolved identity. But there is still a me that has attenuated so, in me these vastnesses interlock and enmesh and then spawn, spiral, twist, distort, reconstitute.
Becoming on the fast track or being that which i can only be in the selfie instant.