Monday, June 15, 2015

EPISTLE TO AN ABSENT LOVER

My love,
I know you yet don't know you. While you remain a abstraction that is densely distilled in my consciousness i can't compress this nebulousness into a form. The more i try to capture you, the more your essence dissolves. I hold this essence of you close in my heart. It is a formless essence, an amalgam of disparate bits of emotions, features, lineaments i put together in a patchwork mosaic. Perhaps this is your reality, this irreducible indeterminacy.
I give form to you in the countenances of those i see. A gay activist in the city, a german singer, a british actor all become fused into this essence of you i can't articulate yet intuit. Each man i meet becomes a mnemonic , an arabesque. And each time i mistake the part for the whole. It is an inescapable part of love, this inconclusiveness because ultimately i can't bear cohering your mysteriousness into a single form. Nor can i date and fuck a phalanx of men who would become disembodied remnants of your essence. No i don't want to slough you off but i can't seem to find you anywhere either. Maybe you don't exist and i made you up.
But even if i made you up i still believe you exist. Else why does my imagination constantly add bits and bobs to you, fluffing you out. Your essence is immutable but the accoutrements change. Darling whether you had a stubble or a beard or were clean shaven, whether you had a six pack or were a middle aged revenant or in your sixties i would always love you. The iridescent shimmer of drops of water on your pectorals, the coruscating rasp of your beard or the clean astringence of your aftershave would seduce me irresistibly. What is outward form but an integument and at different times i transform the coordinates of my desire. What remains unchanged is you.
I prefer you this way, as an amorphous ,unknown being. I conjure endless permutations of you. In the void of our inexistent togetherness i give you myriad forms and shape multifarious narratives. It all comes back to you, though and your ineffable mystery. That is where it all begins and that is all it leads up to. Meanwhile i play the game of forms, the charade of the external. And i wait , hopelessly, haplessly and expectantly for you to materialize and give me that magic kiss.
Loving you, always and forever.
Me

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