Looking through the messages i wrote to him i found unexpected, though,in retrospect, obvious silences that i mistook as reticence. When all was luminous i regarded his silence as taciturnity. But now, reading this message, the tenor of my consciousness changed. Crepuscular hues, always latent, revealed themselves. The structure of my sense of myself collapsed and all at once i discerned,in my mind, layers that extended and convoluted interminably. I had eschewed obfuscations for a simpler explanation and now that very simplicity, defiled by doubt, exacerbated by scepticism, became impenetrable .
Polychrome and heterogenity became my nodal points. It seemed as though the protective wrapping through which my self enclosed itself from complexity had been unwrapped. As in a palimpsest my anterior narrative got foregrounded over my social narrative. My mind regressed to those primal realms where knowledge comes at a price. A commingling had occurred wherein time, space, being and my relationship to him conglomerated so precipitately that i became a volitionless agent in a random world.
Thoughts raced through me. A fragment would dissociate and imbue with meaning before another contradictory fragment confounded that meaning. Beneath this visitations to the conscious mind lay a roiling churning dense aggregation of things i had thought through or were distilled to me , coiled and intermingled. These were contingent on time and moment. Repetitions were unavoidable but they were transmuted into fresher and newer permutations through each reappraisal. Certain strands were inviolable but they cropped up in unidentifiable patterns.
His silences became troubling. I could not reconcile the discrepancy between his habitual indolent responsiveness and unprompted recoilings from contact. I could, if i tried, make excuses but they would explain nothing that would quench the seeker in me. Indeterminacies would abound, things would be unanswered and i resisted this incompleteness. Given that any understanding i arrived at would be from my mind compounded my misery. This uncertainty grates and galls.
But somehow these cogitations are working upon my mind in strange ways. I alternate between a numb quietude and frenetic chaos. There is a becalmed interlude in my head punctuated by the crackling static that sends shock waves of pleasure racing up my spine. These pleasurable currents congregate and then disperse, like a falling avalanche, into the multifarious apertures and crevices in my consciousness.These alterations of energy, this limbo and tumult intersect in my head in a blinding explosion. I see red, black and blue dots. And then a white ,peaceful, tranquil light. Some imperceptible reconciliation has happened in me. Chemistry, feeling, sensation, memory and experience coalesced to diffuse and fracture my anxiety into copable shards. I am spent, expended, exhausted.
At that very moment, he calls.