Looking over our phone messages i encountered the word 'overbearing' a word repeated in our facebook interchange. I had, when i read the message been in a febrile state of mind. Therefore i disregarded its implications, thereby also avoiding the weight this word would come to have in my memory.
There is so absolute, perspective is everything, a friend opined once. And if perspective is everything it is also provisional. I had been accustomed ,in my life, to project my unconscious and then resent the way actuality ambushed me and foiled my preconceptions. But to go back to the word 'overbearing' which is prompting this train of thought and which, now that its contingent disagreeable implications are setting in, discomposes me unduly. Sometimes a word, in an entire colloquy, however circumspect, juts out. This is such a word.
My initial impulse is to launch into protestations of denial, to convince the one who used this word to rethink the term. Conversely, my unconscious , anesthetized by complacency, has reawakened. These intimations are inveigling a chain of unprepossessing behaviour patterns which i, thinking myself well intentioned in deploying them, seem to have miscommunicated to my interlocutor. I could either, in my flush of indignation unleash a stream of impassioned disavowals to him, repudiating firmly the affixing of this word. Or i could turn that reproach inwards and examine my conduct scrupulously and sincerely.
Inveterately wont to excoriate i examine my own conduct and derive a perverse pleasure in this self denigration. It affirms my sanguine belief in my probity. It entails an interlude of self doubt, which casts a penumbral shadow but eventually would become seamlessly amalgamated to the sunny narrative that scaffolds me. Which is not to say that this momentarily necessitous divergence is pleasurable. It involves all kinds of deep emotional pain that i'd have to process. If i allowed the interlude to become my destination i would slit my wrist. But knowing that this interregnum is but the culmination of something more agreeable is very inspiring.
Of course the judicious methodology would be to adroitly enchain this interlude to reflect favourably on the journey itself. I desire, from this interlocutor, a certain propinquity given my deep fondness for him. And how strange it is for my mind to start thinking of journeys when i am yet to conceive of an appropriate rejoinder to counter the opprobrium of overbearing. Except that it is not an objurgation but a perspective which feels, despite the authenticity underpinning its deployment, like a rather distasteful appurtenance.
I can already envisage 'overbearing ' being tossed back and forth. Alternations of perspective would hopefully engender an alteration of perspective. The outcome of our protracted intersections, centred around 'overbearing' seems indeterminate. But metamorphosis is immanent. But staking out the rite of passage that would forthwith ensue is no certainty to the corresponding emotional tenor that would be instituted. But ratiocination is a stimulating faculty. Might as well make the most of it while one can. And who knows, you never know.