Tuesday, April 7, 2015

CONTRETEMPS

I was unaccustomed to silence in general. Or ,more accurately uncommunicativeness. Reticence or coyness were okay for me. I could handle that, knowing, that once an accretion of inner fears occurred, spontaneity would forthwith emerge. I was confident and it was a confidence based on past experiences where i could loosen people's stronghold of reserve. I usually achieved this with an amalgam of love and empathy. And these were genuine.
It might seem an anomalous admission that the growth in the confidence of my interlocutors coexisted with my increasing self doubt. Silence unnerves me which is why when people ignore me i am bewildered. My preference for honesty renders me desirous of a direct if calamitous conversation than a protracted attrition of the unsaid. I am accustomed to speak my mind clearly. I do hope, however that i temper my honesty with decency. On most occasions i do manage it.
Which is why his spells of withdrawal bother me immensely. I blame myself or some solecism and undergo spasms of uncertainty. All the while he alternates between loquacity and silence. I have the uneasy prescience to affirm that i want to break this silence, penetrate the core of his inner being. In making him yield i desire a closeness beyond the inveterate trivialities and superfices of what i deem ordinary friendships to be. From one point of view such a desire to plumb the depths is laudable. From another perspective it is an insidious effort to consume the other. In my case i think both hint at a certain intermingled complexity.
Unfortunately insecurity worsens my importunity. A part of my mind counsels self restraint and the reproachful intimations it inveigles redoubles my self abandonment. My desire for certainty makes me call him again and again, despite my misgivings. I seem to be propelled by a force beyond myself. I oscillate between gnawing anxiety and futile self censoring. By the time a certain resolve is arrived at i am immeasurably exhausted. It is a pattern i am wont to repeat. It is an unpleasing prospect. So love, empathy, fear, insecurity coalesce into a kaleidoscope of tinted emotions whose hue varies from context to context, whose texture is rooted in experiential specificities but whose emotional tenor, unfortunately, is unaltered.
But when the mind reaches a point of crises precipitated by ceaseless vacillation the need for a course of action becomes necessitous.I have thought long and deeply about this. There is no point in crystallizing my neuroses through a prolongation of this self induced predicament. I need a certain reciprocity. I could , with finality, close things off but that is too hasty. I love this friendship and him too much. But closure and a certain solution is warranted. And i, for one, am determined to seek it.

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