I knew of him vaguely. I found him handsome and agreeable. A chance message on facebook made me seek him out. Since then we've met numerous times. I consider this friendship solid. And i do love him inasmuch as i wish him well and admire and cherish his sudden bursts of laughter, his lovely smile, his thoughtfulness, bashfulness and gorgeous eyes. He is very dear to me and i do , as i said, love him deeply as a friend.
Was this an easy conclusion, though? I went through hours of soul searching, turning my preconceptions and chosen coordinates upside down, questioning myself rigorously. I sought to confront and unearth any underlying motive so as to face it and accept the complexity therefrom. But try as i might, any lubricity failed to materialize. I alluded earlier to his handsomeness. Even that made me delight in his company in the joy of his wholesomeness. When i had examined myself scrupulously and discerned no dissimulation i felt emboldened. I enjoyed his presence and wit, his gentleness and generosity. About certain aspects of life he evinced uncanny wisdom. About others a disarming ingenuousness that redoubled my regard.
His sensibility was luminous. He wrote beautifully. There was, even in his moments of naivete, an observable strength and conviction. I could see beyond the barricades of his self protection into his inner being, inner incandescence. And what i saw there was awe inspiring and humbling. I perceived a potentiality so profound and pertinacious that i stoked it by constant asseverations, expostulating with him about his intrinsic talents. Sometimes i allowed exasperation to creep in. But even his lassitude was, to me, but the integument. Underneath was a strong self possession and stoicism that ennobled and terrified alternately.
I sense that he can hurt me. I don't blame him for this hypothetical hurt. Circumstances often induce behaviour patterns that, unbeknownst to us, hurt those around us. Given his inveterate tremulousness i fear an abrupt, precipitate withdrawal from him. Or a decision to negate me for his own self preservation. These apprehensions are not unfounded though perhaps inaccurate. Such, at any rate, is my sincere hope. I only pray that our iridescent and intense intersections are protracted long enough for us to get a secure sense of each other. As far as i'm concerned i'm confident that what i feel is love, concern, deep respect and affection. Self excoriation has affirmed that. What he may feel is uncertain. And i don't know.
But it doesn't really matter. My regard is both unmitigated and unaltered. He has opened up a space for warmth in me and i shall forever harbour a solicitousness no matter how events unravel. If anything calamitous does happen i can live with it. It is a risk, like any friendship and the tides of love that buoy me, shore us up, are, though latent, incontrovertible. That, for me, is enough.