Thursday, March 12, 2015

THE DEBASEMENT OF ENVY

'You're just jealous' he said.
'No, i'm not. I don't expect anything from you', I rejoined
'Then why are you so uncommunicative', he queried
'you've made your choice, i have nothing to say'. I concluded.
That night as i replayed this conversation in my head i felt an unutterable desolation. I ran,in my mind, the things i could and probably should have said. I explored, imaginatively, outcomes to this dialogue between us that would reflect favourably on me. But the conversation had, with finality, taken the form it did and there wasn't much i could do but wish that it had been different.
As i struggled to sleep i felt a hunger for sex so profound that it overwhelmed me. I shook with nervous, unexpended energy. My mind was in tumult, proliferating with images alternately lewd and gratifying.My brain was a white hot light of energy which, with the increasing ferocity and ravenousness of my lust exploded into fragments of molten white energy and reconstituted. I felt some primal part of me emerge and overtake me. I was a victim to this insatiable desire for consummation. And it seemed irrelevant, that he, the centre of my desire, was no longer there. My sexuality felt, to me, to be something impersonal, a force in its own right with its own primeval logic.
The next day i greeted my brother with equanimity. I had, through the fevered turbulence of the night the mind precipitated, cohered my chaos in the subfusc dawn. If he was going to have an engagement with this woman then accepting it was a necessity i had to exercise. I didn't feel envy because unconsciously i knew that this would eventually materialize. I knew my sibling too well to trust his instinct for stability. He would never, given the fortuitous though inadmissible nature of our intersection, find the completion he sought from life. I was a mere in between or a go between before he found his space. To content myself with the irrevocability of this fact was painful but, due to my foresight, bearable. I was aware that our time together was transitory and i was, though, inwardly chagrined, fine with that.
So as my brother's engagement proceeded another personality in me surfaced. It was the hostess personality, the calm, solicitous hostess, sensitive to and ministering to the needs of those around me. I was aware of the material nature of the demands but in discord with the inward essence. I had shut myself off in a cocoon of no feeling. Like a somnambulist i proceeded desultorily and mechanically, performing the tasks that ,as a sister, befell me, to prepare for the engagement party.
When the ceremony of ring exchanging occurred i felt a sharp pang in my heart. Suddenly my mind was a confusing jumble of disconnected though piquant memories of the relationship i had hitherto enjoyed. With a smile plastered on my face i underwent the curious concatenation of causality and logic that landed me, inexorably, into a realization of my lonesome state and the tough task of rebuilding my life from scratch.
When another person has assumed centrality in one's life, the self effaces itself or loves itself through the aegis of the other considering that that aegis is the self's own projection. I had expected from my brother a love that reaffirmed the love i sought for myself. And that love existed in a vacuum of non being. To discover love i'd have to find myself again, minus the narcissism of my former constructions. A formidable feat but one which, with sufficient assiduity, is realizable.

No comments:

Post a Comment