When he departed unceremoniously, with repugnance writ large in his mien i surrendered all self control. Such containment in tranquillity, illusory as it had always been, was relievedly forsaken. All the pent up feelings and misgivings, repressed for years due to exigency, were, with the accompaniment of profuse, copious tears, let loose . A good cry is always cathartic and i was expiating my own ingenuousness with this deluge.
I had dissembled impeccably with him. I am not proud of it. Unwilling to forego even the exiguity of love he proffered so stintingly i was forced to, or rather forced myself to ,put up a carapace of amiability. Clearly the need was more mine than his. He could have terminated our relationship whenever he wanted but perhaps beguiled by my patina of pliability, which augmented his self regard, he continued with the relationship. I don't wish to apportion blame but neither do i desire a submergence in self recrimination. It wasn't entirely my fault and knowing that helps me tremendously.
It is curious as to how elastic behaviour is and how it moulds itself subjectively ,in accordance to the interlocutor we engage with. Some camouflages are expedient, some manipulative and some necessary. Somewhere the three intersect and blur. Superimposed over these is a human agent whose demonstration of this continuum of behaviour, imbued with subjectivity, is mediated by a variegation of factors such as self awareness, self deception, prevarication, clarity etc.
Ironically my own dissimulation ,though sagacious, was not unwitnessed by me. Possessed of uncanny self awareness ,which i cultivated as a teenager, i self excoriated at every point in time. Never did i sacrifice self knowledge for a wilful negation of the unsavoury. Being practicable and self knowing i judged myself incessantly. And my interminable self revilings, conducted in solitude conferred only a desiccated sense of recompense. External reality remained unalterable and my inward expostulations were, in this regard, fruitless and self indulgent.
An attribution of guile or calculation which, believe me, i attributed to myself, was unavoidable. I exculpated myself with the inevitability of my psychic framework. The vignettes and pantomimes of seduction and withdrawal i enacted for his sake were but the effluvium of convoluted inner processes i could neither wholly plumb or entirely escape. I got intimations of this inwardness and it was sufficient to disconcert me. But such disquiet, which could have precipitated an action conducive to my healthy emotional being was repudiated by the imp of perverseness in me which sought self destruction ceaselessly.
But i finally made the choice or the choice was made for me when he left thus. Whether he penetrated my ambivalence or decided to move on remains indeterminate. I could entreat, cajole, grovel, supplicate and beg him to come back. Maybe he would or won't. But i'm tired of my vacillating sense of self, as it oscillates between self congratulation and self abasement. I need an interlude of peace to sort myself out.