Thursday, February 5, 2015


He was rather unremarkable, at least by outward logic. Nor was i impressible enough to misconstrue a deceptive exterior as hints of inner charm. At any rate such was my sense of my thought process. But imperceptibly, in subsequent conversation with him, on witnessing his solecisms which hinted at a certain sincerity, i yielded. I am certainly not complacent about this gesture on my part. It implies a trust which should be bestowed thoughtfully, after great deliberation. But i do have a tendency to rush headlong into insalubrious spaces which eventually leave a void which consecutively i repair by replicating the same precipitant urge that gave me pain.
He seemed agreeable. Amid his animadversions i sensed a putative detestation of anything staid. I did not judge him for this though a protracted courtship was what i sought with my leap of faith. He was not, as i alluded earlier handsome enough. There was, in the irregular delineation of his lineaments, irregular as much in their countenance as anything else, an asymmetry between an ostensible kindness and a latent cruelty. All this was of course the reconstruction of hindsight. Besotted as i was, i discerned probity where there was none.
Such was my prevarication and it doesn't do me any credit to confirm that my awareness of his cruelty was not unconscious. The leap of faith was conscious, exercised under a cognizant jurisdiction of alternating dissimulation and disquiet. Circumstances propelled me and these pertained to my inner life. Restlessness had beseiged me after my previous rendezvous. I had sought propinquity with a similar importunity and been repulsed with insuperable antipathy. So my proclivity of regression was familiar to me. What was unfamiliar was my stasis. And in that inertia my subsequent spiritous inanition.
As my needy overtures escalated into fractious admonitions his own petulance redoubled. I was unsubtle in my ministrations and the carapace of concern whose chimerical nature he undoubtedly divined did me no good. Yet i will say,in retrospect that i acted out of love. My self reproaches were fruitless not because they yielded an abyss i plunged into but simply because they left unaccounted the impulses of the heart. It might seem incongruous to attest love in a state which indubitably appears solipsistic but a concern nonetheless irradiated me. I discerned in his well being the accoutrements of my own sanity. In that while his prepossessions prevailed i could inhabit a state of sanguine well being. But they were short lived.
Love is a nebulousness that is unknowable. Perhaps my voracity scared him and he acted out of self preservation. His self commendations rendered our breach irrevocable. It is likely that with my own hunger for him was a desire to possess him and his withdrawal was sagacious. And my constructions as to his motivations equally fallacious. The possibilities are mushrooming and a vertiginous chasm unravels before me. Yet i asseverate with irrefutable certitude, that i acted out of love.

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