Wednesday, February 25, 2015

DUPLICITOUS DECEPTION

I suppose i knew of him back then. We'd had a stormy encounter on facebook and i had , after due consideration, desisted from further interchange. Meeting him face to face, in the flesh couldn't conceal to me, much to my chagrin, the fact that i was indubitably impressed. It was his misanthropy and the contumelious nature of his asseverations, drawled out confidently and with certitude, that drew me in. Besides, i shared, if theoretically, certain impugnable insights into the male sex. My disquiet was unformulated and undoubtedly chimerical but his arrogant execrations, uttered with a seeming modicum of self  denigration but hinting at a greater self complacence , were irresistibly attractive.

I would be untruthful if i said that i didn't feel intimations of future tumult. But i suppressed them. I was to seek him out subsequently, with a subterranean awareness of the grovelling i was evincing but impelled by something beyond me or pathologically immanent in me. All around me i found evidence of things falling apart, of relationships in his orbit that disintegrated and flaked away into constituent bitchy sub groups. Though the constellation of sycophants or neophytes, which i unwittingly was, varied in texture and constitution, the numbers were alarmingly unvarying. That is when it struck me that i was in this complex relationship with a narcissist. I had had a relationship with a narcissist earlier that had left me a broken wreck. Psychotherapy, it seems, left me unprepared for a subsequent re immersion into it.

His objurgations were excoriating. Even in his orbit the flashing of his malicious wit left me shocked. Being propitious and some of us seemed we laughed about feebly at this malice knowing it was meretricious and in poor taste. Because my involvement was largely with him i was subject to his decimations of people around me. He would bitch, and that too shamelessly, with a candour that was horrifying. It almost seemed as though each sentence he uttered had, as an accompaniment, an animadversion or scurrilous observation on someone else. People in my orbit were revealed to me, through his aegis as shameless solipsists, inherently dangerous, to be avoided at all costs. Not once did i hear him articulate anything agreeable. These alternated with his self proclaimed sense of probity.

He claimed everyone misunderstood him. But he never understood himself. So much of his energy went into undermining others, and often about things which were visibly untrue, that falsehood seemed inextricably interwoven with him. He revelled in his anomalousness but his incongruities were not just differences that were unassimilable, they were poisonous propensities that sullied any decency one might be possessed of.

Eventually i was to relinquish all contact with him. I had discovered accidentally that while the traffic of our intersection was all about me giving generously he had been subtly but incontrovertibly spreading nasty rumours about me. I met, over the course of the year, numerous people who felt for him only repugnance and who had not a single atom of empathy for him. Had my predicament been solitary my self dispossession would have rent me irreversibly. But knowing that there were many who had felt what i had was a relief. And ultimately obviating the machinations of a narcissist was big relief, even more this time around. 

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