Monday, February 23, 2015

AMBIVALENCE

His was a form of egotism of which he was entirely unaware. It has always seemed a misnomer, the unawareness of the self from itself. By which i mean that a residual awareness does exist. Perhaps the more importunate the signals from the burgeoning ,knowing self greater is the effort to overcompensate.Though these processes are quite unconscious and undiscerned and sometimes greeted with incredulity.
I have always believed in a certain austerity in language. I am familiar with irony and the varying intonations of sarcasm which, if subtly deployed, can be admired for the sheer artistry of their delivery but which, if uttered gracelessly and an intention to wound, can grate and induce resentment and hatred for the one who succumbs to these meretricious impulses.
Tawdry is the sentiment which relies on a vulgar display of belligerence, unconcealed and shamelessly revelled in. If there is an underlying reason for virulence, a smart, or a rebarbative rejoinder directed at oneself, then there is sufficient ground for justification. But unprompted, unsolicited malice is repugnant.
Such was the nature of his inveterate objurgations. Our intersections were fleeting though there were occasions that necessitated an outwardly amiable though internally fractious propinquity. He'd call up sometimes and drawl out his mean, sarcastic comments with promptitude and a not inconsiderable sense of pride, enjoying the delivery of this barb. And more often than not, as i initially promulgated, take great pride in his knowledge of inflicting a wound . And it was this self congratulatory smirk that brought out in me , though unconsciously immanent, a spurt of hatred so intense that it seemed, psychically uncontrollable.
It is also conspicuous that he was aware also of the force of his unprepossessing sarcasm. He knew it irked me and that precipitated him, at carefully protracted though frequent interludes, into inundating me with a deluge of it when least anticipated. His calls were infrequently regular though timely in their incontrovertible contumeliousness.I could possibly have cut the call but circumstances engendered a relationship where a disavowal of ties could have resulted in an irrevocable breach. It was a sundering i desired but could not actualize.
Gradually ,though, a steely resolve, incipient but irremovable from my unconscious, is gathering strength. His repulsive demeanour requires a check. And, at this stage, i am past caring if the ever widening gulf becomes irreparable. My self esteem, always tenuous, is now interrelated with this evisceration of him. I expect,with the full knowledge of the enactment of my expectation, the resultant humiliation..

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