Friday, November 14, 2014

IRREALITY OF HAPPINESS

Such a superabundance of joy rolled over me in waves of ecstasy, dappling my rational faculties, illumining my sense of wonder at life and running over this whole profusion of joy in great rolling waves, whose ebb and flow, leaving behind iridescent nuggets of wisdom, glowing fitfully, even in the penumbral recesses of my mind, where their luminous sheen was discernible, as a measure of the joy i had discovered, or rather gleaned from my experience of the impalpable, that i was overwhelmed, irradiated with inexpressible happiness.
And to what did i owe this moment ? Well it was the momentousness of the moment. The moment that was both there yet not there. The moment that existed only in the casing of its occurrence. The moment while eluded my grasp because i could only experience it in the temporality it was sheathed in. Thus the impossibility of inscribing wherein what occurred just now and seen retrospectively is somehow an hieroglyphic arabesque that is both indecipherable yet pellucid.
Perhaps it was the very uncapturability that thrilled me so. By suspending conscious control i inhabited the moment. Yet the ephemerality of the moment wasn't in vain . It left imperceptible indentations on my being, in some subtle way by transforming the way i looked at life. Like a concentric ripple the moment billowed out, encompassing the vastness of my being while its own wellspring remained unknown, indeed dissolved.
Furthermore this metamorphosis within me testified to my immanence within the moment. Though the moment was causal, with its own attendant temporal dimension it was also atemporal in that when it intersected with my being it reduplicated carillons and contraltos of incandescence sonorously across the consciousness of my integument. A cleaving and dissevering, simultaneous, is taking place, out of these incorporeal interminglings something tangible is being given form. That tangible form is both the residuum and the continuum of the moment. In the refuse of the moment is its continuity.Amid its accreting dimensions of interpenetration a frangible congealing is taking place, fluid and protean yet dense and durable.
The intimation of happiness i testify to is the amorphous concatenation of this process, worked out in infinitesimal permutations.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

THOUGHT

I think a thought. A thought thinks itself in my mind. Or a thought is thought. Or a thought is thought out. What is thought out is thought over. Thought is overlaid by what is thought out which is then subsequently stifled by what is thought over. Though whether what was thought over was what i thought or what i thought was my thought needs to be thought out and once it is thought out needs to be thought over. And after it is thought over it needs to be discovered whether what i thought over through a process of how i thought it out was, perhaps what i originally thought or thought i thought. But the fact remains that i thought a thought. Thinking thought itself over as a thought. So i thought a thought about a thought.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

OVERCOMING

His lubricity outweighed his agreeableness. It wasn't as though he was entirely overwhelmed with concupiscence but there was an observable salacity which rendered me discomfited. A depredation or caprice in temperament was workable with a negotiable space . But a propensity towards lustfulness, with its preponderantly lascivious associations, led to his subsequent alienation from himself and me.
I was inexpressibly relieved. In our initial intersection i had disavowed disconcerting significations he inveterately demonstrated hoping that a sublimation of my misgivings would crystallize the durability of our togetherness. I forebore to plumb, i eschewed evisceration. I was content to let my blueprints determine the nature of his being while his conspicuous adumbrations of unreason were showing me, against the grain of my preconceptions, unnerving intimations to a reality whose implications were congealing fatalistically around my life. And it was at that stage that the armour of self deception splintered. And in the absence of an anodyne mnemonic, however delusional, there lay a wilderness which suffused me with unutterable terror.
Meanwhile ensconced in this nightmare, with my attendant complicity, i was bound to founder, my self containment shatter. Shards of self esteem as such were what i comfortingly held out to myself for myself because he turned violent. Any disregard of his importunate and unreasonable demands elicited uncontrained, disproportionate anger. To call it unprepossessing would be pallid, indeed incompensatory. It was unmitigated, untrammelled, uncontrollable fury.
My endeavors to circumvent his atrocities failed because circumvention implies a navigation around the circumference of the predicament i was both fortuitously and wilfully embroiled in. A precipitate and unprecedented course of action was called for. Unaccustomed to dramatics and terrified of unravelling the violence immanent in me i chose a path of circumspection, of judiciousness. And the path that i chose was to simply depart with no trace. This anonymous departure was, in retrospect an act of cowardice. But i had no other means at my disposal. A descent into the path of abnormal psychopathy, which was to be an unavoidable accompaniment in the persistence of my staying back, was unprofitable and fruitless. Besides the violence implicit in me would have been conflagarated and a disaster would have accrued. The fact that he deserved a fusillade of my intemperance was only insufficiently consolatory. My own unconscious would have opened up in hitherto unforeseen and inadmissible ways. Self sufficiency, even if precarious,is the only bulwark in a fragmented contemporaneity.
I believe the woman after me reported him and he is in jail. This unsurprising and incontrovertible culmination elicits no rejoinder from me. I have moved on.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Causal circuitry

A conception of what is
Negates the what could be
Though what has been all along
Is what always was
Iridescent being illumines lucently
The inwardness of essence
While becoming limpidly proceeds
To perform circumlocutions of selfhood
Could a sliver of abnegation
Crystallize phenomenon dense
Thereby ,through suspension
Attenuate interstices of singularity
Monochrome or polychrome, reality betokens
The indeterminacy of its fulcrum.