I am fairly self reliant. The only self i have to look back on is my own. And my experience of the world has amply demonstrated that abdications of friendships, abrogations of decency , apostasies and defections are pretty much unavoidable. Human nature may be unaltered but there is something about the zeitgeist i find myself in wherein provisionality and transience in human relationships seems paramount, indeed ineluctable. And in such a state of things a certain self sufficiency can be a great bulwark against eventful, heartbreaking encroachments.
And i've learned my lesson. My initial floundering attempts at self containment were foiled by my excessive idealism. I believed, though unrealistically, in the probity of people. So my initial response at curtness, brusqueness , abrupt termination from contact by other people was bewilderment and confusion. Naturally, given my introspective disposition i held myself accountable, accused myself of some fatal flaw in my own being. Though the nature of this lacunae was unformulated it nagged away at me, suffusing me with inadequacy.
It became, in many ways a pattern that replicated itself. People came and went. Each subsequent presence would give me hope while each departure , after a interlude of closeness, break my heart. And at the heart of this self dispossession was my precarious self esteem. Because i lacked, conceptually, the strength to negotiate life on my own terms with the resources i had at hand. An excessive dependence on my interlocutors indicated both my desperate need for this closeness and my fear of it.
And these two putatively contradictory impulses aren't necessarily irreconcilable though i do see them more as coexistent, immanent proclivities. It was also observable that while i desired other presences to compensate for my inner emptiness it was precisely these other presences that , even at moments when my life was replete with them, indicated how empty they themselves were. And that this oscillation between the life and being i had and wanted was a closed circle. To transcend this circumscription i had to expand my horizon although such expansiveness, given my taciturnity, is inconceivable to me.
So i closed in on my self. I enclosed myself in the cocoon of my being. It was partly defensive, an endeavour to obviate the exigencies of navigating an indifferent world and partly, a relief , a restitution for the vast reserves of potentialities that reposed in me, inexhaustible yet actualizable. And really, it seems, in myself i found both escape and oasis, a move away from and a plunge into, the amorphous yet capacious receptacle of my untapped self.