Wednesday, October 15, 2014

INTEGUMENT

It was his detachment that drew me in. It wasn't an otherworldly, head in the stars indifference. He seemed self contained. And there was something measured about it. His uncreased brow suggested that time had not made indentations on experience nor had the disagreeable marred it. So, in a way, there was something ingenuous about such self sufficiency. Beset by my own insecurities which often crippled me even a desideratum of wholesomeness was bound to be irresistible. And i fell in love.
The process was nebulous because, in retrospect, there wasn't much i could latch onto that seemed agreeable.In all likelihood, as is ineluctable ,i built him up in my mind as i went along. I could never have divined his essence and given his singularity and my own limits of perception any such divination would be inconceivable. But the fact is, i went into this relationship with my own set of constructions and expectations. And in a way i gave myself precedence over him. My self centeredness was bound to render things precarious.
And that is what happened. While the process of dating continued certain unsavoury aspects were revealed to me. My understanding of his rootedness was sagacious but my realization that this rootedness was unmitigated self absorption discomfited me. If i superseded his being with my anticipation then so did he, with finality, give centrality to himself over me. Our mutual self importance was bound to cause friction because we intersected at moments that were inimical to our self conception. Chaos was unavoidable.
In our own ways we became dependent on each other. Much as we prized our solitary selves we needed each other's presence to validate our solitariness.Any awareness of the self, in the absence of another person, is always disembodied and unreal. Relationality rendered propinquity essential. Yet that self same propinquity withheld self scrutiny by eviscerating the other. The insecurities i alluded to earlier pertained to my provisional existence in the world or rather my perception of my tremulousness . The certainty he putatively proffered redoubled my sense of tenuousness. proportionate to his incipient egotism my self effacement, which was more masochism than virtuous, intensified.
And for a while it did seem that such enervated tedium would constitute the rest of our lives but fortuitously he fell in love. I have not met her nor do i have any idea who or how she is. But i know that this dereliction on his part would be my saving grace. He will traverse the journey i have and soon it will strike him, precipitately that no singular emotion or attribute exists solely by itself, inviolable. The process of connections between aspects of his contradictory being will open up before him. I anticipate this disillusion eagerly.