Wednesday, September 10, 2014


I remember watching the news and feeling deeply dismayed by what was happening. I hadn't as yet taken sides or adopted positions. I was more or less suspending partisanship and ruminating on the human predicament palliated the ineluctability of thinking through things and arriving at a position that was well informed, measured and equitable.
It i often when choices are inevitable that i freeze into stasis. I preempt the fact of choosing but an all encompassing numbness. Sheltering under this canopy of not having to decide i equivocate, oscillating between dismay at my inertia and terrified of the unavoidability of having to choose . Interstitial states are hinterland states and the excoriation i visit upon myself indicates the gravity and enormity of my conundrum.
Of course the crises i allude to, which i present as immeasurably important,is my own neurotic indecisiveness. Self indulgent is the will that strives for self assurance amid self doubt. And indeed my indubitably unfruitful peregrinations around the circumference of my neuroses underscore my ineffectuality and cowardice. These self revilings,instead of precipitating decision making augment my prevarication.
What, i often ruminate, induces in me such a necessity of choice making. Is not horror at human destruction a sufficiently pacifist response. But much of human action is predicated on a certain right and wrong. Right and wrong being ambiguous but i do sense, despite everything, an overriding sense of a larger good, a larger right. Sometimes unequivocal clarity appeases a disordered mind or else an ambivalent space crystallizes misgiving.
Eventually though closely allied to this dithering is my own sense of being in this world. It strikes me that having opinions roots me firmly where my habitual formlessness would dissolve all certitude. World events anchor me where my own deracination would displace me. Though my refuge from choosing redoubles my dispossession it is perhaps all that i have. So deferred choosing enables inhabiting a blank slate from whereon i etch my hieroglyphs of sanity and collective conscience.

Monday, September 8, 2014


Moments are strung together in a garland of evocations and emerge unbidden to the consciousness and are savored . Sometimes the conscious focus of a thought process on a luminous memory evokes its luminiscence. These moments, congregated in the unconscious rend the amorphous veil that distinguishes it from the conscious. These moments ,gossamer yet durable, traverse variegated realms of consciousness ,perch here, are dislodged there . Their fluid peregrination renders consciousness kaleidoscopic wherein they whirl and swirl, rearranging, dispersing and reconfiguring.

But of what are these moments composed? Causal studs of experience congeal them into a specific form. The nature of experience, in conjunction with the rational and the nebulous ,gives them shape. Once they assume a structure they entomb the experience that formed them and then reshape that experience with each subsequent recollection. Sometimes these moments overlap wherein the signification of one is superimposed upon that of another. These fortuitous though indeterminate cleavings take momentarily momentous shapes in the mind as they are experienced and then recede . But a metamorphosis of perception occurs.

These moments are non chronological in their conglomeration. And their surfacings into consciousness are equally random. Thought, mediated by experience, influenced by circumstance alights of a certain blueprint which, as it is further cogitated on, extricates from the mosaic of moments, a specific moment.In that moment a specific moment is wrenched but it could equally plausibly be another moment or a succession of moments, immanent and indwelling in each other, wrapped up, like fine mesh around the center of a protean consciousness. Causality is ineluctable in a realm of integument but the deeper recesses ,the unplumbed depths, betoken areas as yet untapped, unexplored and unformulated.

Perhaps formulation, with its overtones of ratiocination implies a measure of control over a hinterland of the incorporeal. The unknowable, by the force of its unknowability, embalms these moments as memories and experiences which, when experienced, irradiate with epiphanic stipples of being. The mechanism proceeds, however, with inveterate permeability, till mortal time ceases and metaphysics begins.

Sunday, September 7, 2014


My mind is a mosaic where a mish mash of intersections coexist. When i traverse the past to transmute experience into the present, these arabesques, conglomerated higgledy piggledy stretch, graft and reconstitute. Out of the inchoate substratum of complexity certain strands emerge, causal and determinate. These causal mnemonics ,through fortuitous claim on my consciousness are transformed from being mnemonics into memories.

I often ruminate that all these myriad memories, immanent in me, clustered kaleidoscopically,would splinter if oblivion, anesthetized by forgetting, rose up in a wave of obliteration and submerged and dissolved all these memories. That, with the cessation of my mortal frame, this cavalcade of interconnected remembrances would fade and disappear.

But associations, fluid in the face of the intransigence of mortality would embalm these memories in the consciousness of my interlocutors who partook of them. Or a written representation would, for posterity, unravel these existential hieroglyphs into a mode of being, a way of live. Memories surface imminently but they are entombed with alternating intensifications of temporality with atemporal indeterminacy in the collective consciousness i have inhabited and that my own integument stipples and streaks this collective with iridescent whorls.

Overlaying the complexity of interleaved memories, indivisibly congregated must be a meta memory. A memory which, in its inexhaustible capaciousness would be a heterogeneous receptacle for all these constituent memories which float capriciously, causally like phosphorescent undersea life. The waves advance and retreat and these memories entwine, ricochet, disperse, attenuate, reaggregate and exist in mutual reciprocity. The contingent, with each recollection, transforms the aegis. Consciousness alters, perspectives metamorphose and the ceaseless and configurable ebb and flow continues on and on.