Thursday, December 4, 2014

THE LONGINGS OF A SUBJECT

Inside the incarcerated catacomb of her mind she reposes. Her memory, albeit through her own complicity, is leaking out. When thinking through her history she finds huge craters in her consciousness with massive indentations . These are blank spaces. She is a tabula rasa but it isn't so much her writing her own script as it is being written for her.
The lecturer controls her memory. He doesn't consciously obliterate her memory but works on her through osmosis. Bit by bit he makes surreptitious inroads into her head, supplanting himself, his own being conspicuously so that she gradually forgets that she has a contingent history and being.
What occurs thereafter is a process of submergence. As his consciousness leaks into her she begins to see the world as he sees it, even interprets her own being as he does it for her. He becomes her superego so that the accretion of self reproaches she directs at herself which are, in actuality, his reproaches she not only suspends but relinquishes her self. The tattered remnant of her once incandescent integument flutters emptily in the winds of fortune.
The lecturer rapes her daily. The visitations of his brute flesh rends her corporeally. Each day she experiences a dismemberment, a symbolic and literal obliteration that contributes to the oblivion she sees as her only fate. Will sloughs off her, she suspends volition. In existing as a blueprint for the lecturer's rococo fantasies and sadomasochism she is benumbed. She is doubly dispossessed , both in her temporal as well as her psychic dislocation.
In the crepuscularity of this hideous gloaming she exists purely in the passive sense. She simply is, only exists as a receptacle. The lecturer preys on her self consciousness. He renders her penumbral by erasing her sense of herself. By demonstrating, through his putative tangible superiority he casts into shadow her tremulous self conceptions. By imperilling her precarious being he inveigles his solipsism. He is the mirror and the image both. He gives her a space for self annihilation and recomposes her in accordance with the dissonances of his own self absorption. She, too is his mirror. Without her he'd be blasted into non being.
She has been , despite his assiduous manipulations, undergoing her own metamorphoses. Mnemonics in her memory alert her inexhaustibly to a prelapsarian self. She is deeply enmeshed yet memory manages to irradiate, through intimations, aspects of her past self and its attendant plenitude. She sees, retrospectively, the tenebrous landscape her life has become and its aftermath.
So she slowly sets out to remap the territory of her consciousness. As the mnemonics piece together enough will be re remembered to challenge him. He, who by subsuming her showed himself amplified will, she resolves, see himself as he appears before her. That, she decides, will set the record straight.

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