Friday, December 19, 2014

IDENTITY

He was an emanation of my unconscious. Or so i thought then. I thought that by demonstrating self awareness about the fact of my unconscious i would be wary of the very emanations i was imposing on him. Theoretically i remained cognizant of this proclivity but at a practical level, given that life unravelled in its own fashion, with its own immutable logic, though of necessity protean, my self awareness dissipated.
The worrisome thing was not that my idea of him remained a mere abstraction. Had it been so i'd have been relieved to forego all preconceptions and settle for an openness, a willingness to allow myself to be surprised. As it manifested, though, some of my blueprints became true. It seemed that while i had not been entirely accurate in my making up of him, given my awareness of such a thing, i had, nonetheless, divined propensities that corresponded to my conceptualization.
For instance i could see that while he was ostensibly tractable there was a core of stubbornness in him. Unlike me, who had grave self doubts, he was unambiguously confident about what he thought he was. I could see that this was self deception, a protective armour to conceal, albeit through a willed repression, things that were disturbing. Simultaneously, with him, there was a feeling that certain things were inconceivable to his self image.
However though he evinced such self confidence he worsened my tremulous sense of myself.When i did confide my misgivings he encouraged me to doubt myself. Again there was a putative adherence to amenability to my ideas around myself but in crystallizing my precarious self constitution he fattened up on that very tenuousness. As i grew weaker in my conception of identity i began losing all faith that i'd ever be whole. I was often irascible and peremptory,attributes which he ineluctably brought into sharper focus by his seeming acceptance of them.
Of course it is equally possible that i am manufacturing the fact of my discernment of his subterranean dimensions to validate and affirm my own unknowingness. This is manipulation of the worst kind and i am certainly watchful of it. But my instinct, which in the past has proven accurate at many levels, asseverates that my misgivings are true enough. It is simply that my inveterate self doubt, unavoidably coalesced to my being, insists on rendering apocryphal any certainty that buttresses me, however ineffectually.
Ultimately this relationship, for whatever reason, is not working out. Either i will go crazy or inflict some damage on him. I do apportion a certain blame to my own over wrought process of rationalization and partly he seem to augment some of the worst things i feel about myself. Or such is my intuitive apprehension . I think wisdom lies in terminating this relationship. Self preservation must take precedence. And something tells me he'd be better off without my neurotic undermining of any stability he envisages for us. I think i'll see a therapist.

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