Tuesday, November 11, 2014

OVERCOMING

His lubricity outweighed his agreeableness. It wasn't as though he was entirely overwhelmed with concupiscence but there was an observable salacity which rendered me discomfited. A depredation or caprice in temperament was workable with a negotiable space . But a propensity towards lustfulness, with its preponderantly lascivious associations, led to his subsequent alienation from himself and me.
I was inexpressibly relieved. In our initial intersection i had disavowed disconcerting significations he inveterately demonstrated hoping that a sublimation of my misgivings would crystallize the durability of our togetherness. I forebore to plumb, i eschewed evisceration. I was content to let my blueprints determine the nature of his being while his conspicuous adumbrations of unreason were showing me, against the grain of my preconceptions, unnerving intimations to a reality whose implications were congealing fatalistically around my life. And it was at that stage that the armour of self deception splintered. And in the absence of an anodyne mnemonic, however delusional, there lay a wilderness which suffused me with unutterable terror.
Meanwhile ensconced in this nightmare, with my attendant complicity, i was bound to founder, my self containment shatter. Shards of self esteem as such were what i comfortingly held out to myself for myself because he turned violent. Any disregard of his importunate and unreasonable demands elicited uncontrained, disproportionate anger. To call it unprepossessing would be pallid, indeed incompensatory. It was unmitigated, untrammelled, uncontrollable fury.
My endeavors to circumvent his atrocities failed because circumvention implies a navigation around the circumference of the predicament i was both fortuitously and wilfully embroiled in. A precipitate and unprecedented course of action was called for. Unaccustomed to dramatics and terrified of unravelling the violence immanent in me i chose a path of circumspection, of judiciousness. And the path that i chose was to simply depart with no trace. This anonymous departure was, in retrospect an act of cowardice. But i had no other means at my disposal. A descent into the path of abnormal psychopathy, which was to be an unavoidable accompaniment in the persistence of my staying back, was unprofitable and fruitless. Besides the violence implicit in me would have been conflagarated and a disaster would have accrued. The fact that he deserved a fusillade of my intemperance was only insufficiently consolatory. My own unconscious would have opened up in hitherto unforeseen and inadmissible ways. Self sufficiency, even if precarious,is the only bulwark in a fragmented contemporaneity.
I believe the woman after me reported him and he is in jail. This unsurprising and incontrovertible culmination elicits no rejoinder from me. I have moved on.

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