Tuesday, October 21, 2014

DISQUIETING INTIMATIONS

His motives were suspect, right from the start.Originating in an impulse to avoid confrontation his ministrations to our emotional closeness were not compensatory. Rather they were fruitless, because they were constituted by a superficiality that was his true nature. Or perhaps i am being unduly harsh. Clearly there were, or would be, if sufficient provocation were induced, certain undiscerned depths. As yet their absence, or latency, left their manifestations submerged.
I,on the contrary, am thoughtful. I do not impute any great virtue to myself but i do believe that a certain self awareness goes a long way. My self scrutiny is assiduous, my excoriation amply deep. If anything i evince a propensity towards self criticism because my sense of identity is so precarious. Acceding to unwonted importunities has always seemed easier than holding my ground and asserting myself. And it is perhaps for this rather flimsy reason that i got into a relationship with him.
What i, of course , attribute as superficiality may be a healthy self regard. I have always been drawn to people who demonstrate a certain complacency about themselves, disregarding any negative views that devolve on them from others. Airbrushing away the extraneous or overlooking the overwhelmingly significant are both ways of nourishing and sustaining a self. The edifice of being needs a self willed inviolability.In the absence of a bulwark of self sufficiency being founders, indeed collapses, in the face of the nothingness that is the external.
His solipsism is intransigent because it overlooks any hint of self analysis. It is almost as if the sheath of impenetrability disallows even a sliver of misgiving to inveigle itself. Which is understandable. But what strikes me as extraordinary is the sustenance of this wilful self delusion.In that while a simulacrum of functionality does render dissembling inevitable such unmitigated dissimulation, sometimes in the face of facts which are disconcertingly suggestive and redolent of darker depths, is inconceivable to me.
Though a flash of petulance and fractiousness or sulking do suggest that he isn't invincible. The self protecting armour he is encased in needs to preserve, as far as he is concerned, a certain intractability. But these elliptical, sometimes inimical betrayals which, despite his obduracy, remain unconcealed, indicates his own fragility. I look forward to those moments where these compendium of tiny self betrayals morph into an uncontrolled and uncontrollable self exposure and breakdown. Meanwhile witnessing this ever widening crack is reprieve indeed.

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