I will never know him, that is for certain. I also know the inevitability of my building up of his image. In a way it is a relief, this knowing that i cannot know him. When too much onus is placed on knowledge the inadequacy of unknowing is all the more harder to bear, the uncertainty all the more intolerable. Because , constantly, what is being pitted against understanding anyone is our insufficiency. So by forestalling disillusion i prepared myself to negotiate this relationship with equilibrium.
In a way not knowing is also a form of surrender,a surrender to the unknown, to that nebulous force which governs our existence. Unpredictability is very much a given in life. I am quite prepared, in the absence of a blueprint, to discover him as we move along. But who is to say that my discovery may not be, insidiously, another form of invention. That discovery is making up. And what ratifies this doubt is my growing awareness that he is going to be perennially protean. I have to suspend anything i may discover because anything i do discover will be undermined by a contradictory proclivity he evinces. So while the thought of discovery is agreeable it is, nevertheless, illusory.
As a human agent this radical uncertainty scares me. I like to base any understanding on a certain form. Form is what gives shape to misshapen experience, it is what protects against chaos. When our zones of knowledge recede we are confronted with a primal blankness. Or rather such is my experience. The human consciousness is a process of negation,of circumventing things that threaten the tenuous order that constitutes our life. By such a process, the unconscious is pushed away to some corner from where it continues to exert its inexorable hold.
Though it is equally certain that perhaps true freedom lies in a certain giving up. Holding on to the edifice that has sustained us, however tremulously, proves, in the long run to have been a form of betrayal. In a way this not knowing i alluded to earlier is a gesture both of conformity and defiance, depending on how one looks at it. I am being veracious to the unconscious, leaving open possibilities with an open mind. I am neither anticipating anything nor dreading anything because ultimately what is going to happen will happen anyway. So my being unprepared is a higher form of preparation, a willingness to mould myself to the exigencies of a given situation.
And that is why it is fruitful to disabuse oneself of any certainty. It is bound to founder and undermine our sanest protective barriers. In a way by relinquishing knowledge i have symbolically relinquished a base, a form of our intersection itself. My regard for him is unaltered because he has touched a space in my heart which is durable. But the regard, in itself, is enough for me. I have freed myself from the caprices of his heart by embalming this warmth for him as an inviolable fulcrum. Whatever happens remains indeterminate but i will face it calmly.