Monday, September 1, 2014

Variations on a phone call

He called up. Well, i feel a huge sense of relief. After our last argument i anticipated the cold shoulder and by calling up thus, resuming the sweetness of the salad days of our interchanges he has proved that he bears no grudge. Though i do wish that some allusion to our unmentioned argument be made so that my certainty would be redoubled.
Okay, he's called up. I thought that when i said those harsh bitter, excoriating words to him he'd find it hard to forgive me. I hadn't meant to eviscerate or humiliate him but in a fit of unrepressed rage i managed to utter expletives that i ordinarily wouldn't. It is nice that he is conciliating.
Whatever it may imply, he's called up. I told him on his face that our relationship was going nowhere. I made it palpable to him that if he expected either capitulation or dissembling then i am not the person for him. I think i was judicious in my observations, wanting the best for both of us which lies in our separation. For whatever its worth, polite of him to call.
He has actually called up. I am afraid that the ferocity of my vituperation might disconcert him. I was fearful that he'd leave me and in the face of that fear i demonstrated my irascibility and fractiousness. He seems to be offering the olive branch despite my terror at the irrevocability of my dismissal. And for him to call up thus, in the face of my importunity, is gratifying.
He has dared to call up. The sanctimoniousness and  ineffectual justifications . I told him that weak men are not my type. His inability to take decisions, make choices, assert his presence grates on my nerves. After waiting endlessly for a commitment this dithering and prevaricating suffuses me with immense anger. I've wasted 3 years on this relationship. And now, despite my strong injunction to let me be he has the temerity to call me.
It is better that he called up. Yesterday i a fit of remorse at my unresponsiveness i dissimulated, letting him augment his illusion that i loved him. But my tremulousness must have spoken volumes, despite my taciturnity. Today i intend to tell him, nicely, politely that i want to end it. And it is fortuitous that he called.

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