Tuesday, September 16, 2014

UNRAVELING

The fact that i am in a position to register my deterioration does me no good. I am disintegrating, strand after strand of my being flaking off, dispersing, merging with an indifferent world. The attenuated bits that do remain, are deceptively coruscating in my penumbral consciousness. Largely, it is a dissolution so searing, so intense that even the core of who i am,exists as part of a larger fragmentation. Things have fallen apart.
Chair. Table. Bookshelf. What do they betoken. I see a shape, a form, with a palpable structure but my mind has lost its powers to identify that form with the thing. The forms differ, their patterned whorls vary but an underlying similitude seems to emanate from everything, the mechanical whiff of the commodified, the object laden universe of which i am an impotent constituent.
Meaning, and what is meaning, given that meaning means something, given the meanness of my meaninglessness which is, indubitably mean because things no longer mean what they mean, considering that what mean means or by what means i could make mean mean, have meaning, mean something, a concrete meaning in an amorphous world, meaning through its meaning, by the fact of having meant something because meaning should mean, it is meaningful to presume that mean is divested of any fulness, is reduced to being mean, in short meaningless.
Compartments. Fragmentation, Atomization. Severing. splitting.
Chaos, confusion. Freneticism. Primordiality. Dissolution.
Being. Becoming. Self. Other. Identity.
Meaninglessness. Nothingness. Darkness. Emptiness. Chasm.
Non being. Darkness. Journey. Metaphysics. Being.
In order to rediscover my being i had to subsume myself in non being which was a different order of being i navigated both fruitlessly and effortfully as what i sought did not lie anywhere outside of me but within me whose significations alternately rendered meaning visible or dissolved into meaningless which by virtue of its inchoate meandering quality soon became as an emblem of chaos a signifier of a higher being metaphysics irradiated by affirming that being could be wrested from non being.

1 comment:

  1. There comes a point at which no longer mean and only confuse. Yesterday on our walk I said to Clarissa that more often now I feel I am a dual being, one of which is walking in an ever more extraordinary and marvellous world (marvellous in that it should exist at all and the other quite outside of it in a kind of no-place from which positionit was absorbing everything that was part of the first being. To put it more simply and in more conventional terms, that body and soul were separate with the proviso that the body came with a complete consciousness of its own. I don't believe I am alone in this. I suspect many have similar experiences.

    It is partly because of these beautiful early autumn days. Every moment seems like an eternity.

    I don't feel religious about this. I don't know what I feel. But it is little to do with meaning as such. It is like being in a great invisible rain. It's OK.

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