Tuesday, September 30, 2014


He left. Well i suppose he's gone. Yes, he's actually gone. By writing thus i convince myself that his departure, always imminent, finally materialized. It was a great relief. With him, in this turbulent relationship, things had become non negotiable. There seemed neither reprieve nor release. Plenteous were the occasions when our ennui was discernible to each other. But we forbore to acknowledge these misgivings, preferring instead ,a willed refusal to accept unmitigated reality, an intractable willfulness which nonetheless also partook of a desire to obviate obduracy.
I have seen, both in mine and other relationships, this vacillation from one extreme to another, an extreme that is entombed in the unconscious but scarcely verbalized. And indeed the oppositional spaces, these interstices are not irreconcilable. A middle ground is usually possible if a willingness to make the relationship correspond to one's actual nature is considered, But usually a sense of self, sanguine to self conception, compounded by self deception, confounded by self awareness, complicates the situation manifold.
I don't profess generosity of spirit. My first impulse is to ensure my own safety. Yet my protracted involvement in this relationship, unintercepted by any avowed disavowal, reveals how my inveterate self preservation was foiled. I wanted this relationship to work. I desired, through a willful abrogation of the truth, a magical solution to all our problems. I alluded earlier to my safety protecting mechanism. Well, with this relationship i was trying to safeguard my insecurity and fear of loneliness. Better it is to be incompatibly together than singularly lonesome.
It is also, equally ironical that i wanted out. And i just wanted out. I felt constricted, suffocated. I don't attribute this to any misdemeanor on his part. It was, on the contrary, his tacit assumption of being beyond reproach that annoyed me. In order to make this relationship work, what were, to me conscious subterfuges were, for him, unambiguous sacrifices. I didn't consider my effacements remarkable and his grandiloquence and moral superiority were irksome. I was often fractious, peremptory and while such conduct is not prepossessing at least it is understandable.
It is also quite conspicuous that one's conduct appears to the other is a startlingly different light than one's own understanding of oneself. No doubt he saw my putative irascibility but he mistook them as integuments that bespoke the corporeal reality of my being. I was ,in endeavoring to restitute the swaying between commitment and opting out, beset by contradictory, irresolvable feelings of disquiet and incomprehension. It was a see saw that could have veered to any direction. He rendered the whole thing ineluctable by himself walking out.
And while i remain ambivalent about the crises of our togetherness that i never sorted i feel glad that i am now freed of the possibility of having to choose. Not that it unencumbers me from guilt or accountability but it certainly makes it possible to contemplate a future where such existential dilemmas will not always, through indecision, lead to fragmentation. On that ostensibly wholeness i predicate my future.

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