It was the dismaying prospect of a forthcoming marriage that did it. Throughout our courtship i deluded myself into thinking that my better nature was being upheld as restitution for the misgivings of my primal self. And by primal self i refer to attributes that were, through force of circumstance, ingrained intrinsically in me. That what i showed of myself was opposite to what i felt myself to be. Though i was unsure whether what i felt myself to be was what i really was or whether further folds of darkness, hitherto unperceived, draped my amorphous being.
I think i performed impeccably. I convinced him that i was what i showed to him. But the question is that since what i showed him was what i wanted to be so was not what i showed him ,ipso facto, what i was since that was the becoming i chose for myself. Or were the primordial impulses that i fought so assiduously to circumvent instances of a reality of me that was inconceivable to me.
So at a certain level i oscillated between what i sort of thought i was and what i knew i wanted to be. And one reason for this protracted courtship is the irreconcilability between the two. I could not find a way round my conundrum and alternated between prevaricating and genuinely demonstrating my regard. And my regard was indubitable. What was at stake was which aspect of my self would respond to him at any given moment.
I hesitated being forthcoming of my predicament, fearful that he'd be unnerved. I was neck deep in this relationship, inextricably enmeshed and any other alternative except its consummation terrified me. My desire to have him cherish the blueprint i presented coexisted with my fear that a glimpse into my darker side would cause a terrifying breach.
Now i realize that my camouflage, though precipitate was sagacious. I was saving him from heartbreak as much as i was preventing myself from collapsing with self loathing. I am certain, in retrospect that i must have, ineluctably though inadvertently shown glimpses of my insecurity and passion. I think, however, that such demonstrations soothed his ego, leading him to negate what were to me earth shattering primeval mnemonics as cute and pert traits.
Well, i called it off. While his confidence in our relationship grew my insecurity about my sanity diminished. I could see indwelling negative feelings, centering around him, making him a symbol of my self dispossession. So i watched, with crumbling clarity, this dissolution of what was once so luminous and i felt pleased, in a corner of my heart, despite the weight of misery, at the termination of a relationship i never partook of with the entirety of my being.
I've not been in any relationships for a while. I'm still hoping that i can work on these intractable qualities that have congealed and make them something bearable, liquiefy them, attenuate them, make them protean. But this part of me that i don't have control over and which predates me will always exist as a discomfiting reminder that i will never be sure of my feelings in any relationship i enter into. But that part that performs will hopefully obviate them. Being and becoming are irresolvable. One day somebody will understand that and love me for all that there is in me.