Friday, August 22, 2014

WHY?

WHY?

Because you are handsome enough to radiate an energy that envelops me. I would say that i am being forced to leave because i am attracted to you. Transference is what most therapists both anticipate and dread, isn't it? Well rather than put you in an invidious position i choose to render , by my voluntary, volitional leaving, the balance righted and unretractable. I don't know why i fell for you. Mind you,what i feel is not sexual. I don't want to sleep with you but certain proximate corporeal imaginings render my departure unavoidable. And it isn't as though you are particularly intelligent or sensitive. There is a dogged self righteousness about you that i find despicable. My intelligence, and i don't postulate this boastfully or egoistically, but with sufficient equanimity counterpointed your less than intelligent navigation of our entire relationship. It seems incongruous to me that i feel for you this attraction which is both sexual yet not sexual or, at any rate, not sexual enough. And i know you like me, admire me, respect my intelligence and sensitivity, all those qualities,in short ,in which you are conspicuously deficient. And i am emboldened to strike out and speak the truth in this because i am leaving. I pause before classifying this departure as an irrevocable breach. But i have no doubt that given your high sounding therapeutic principles you'd never see me again.

WHY?

Because even though you encourage me to talk about this transference with you which i have tried to articulate as dispassionately as possible, you would notice, inveterately, a wall between us. Things would get awkward and i'd become self conscious. I would dissemble, prevaricate, construct an image before you that is completely at variance with who i am. And because you are so impressed by me, impressed by my knowledge of psychoanalytical theory, you'd fall for it too. I am very capable of using your theories against you, manipulate the constituents of your epistemology to conceal, camouflage and dissimulate. A fundamental falseness would constitute our relationship. Whatever need binds you to me is something you have to figure out how to deal with. It really doesn't concern me in any way. Whatever counter transference there is and i do get hints of it in the slippages of your responses to me is something i choose not to dwell on. I want to get out and go to another therapist, preferably a woman where the transference would not take a sexual form.

Why?

Because it must be obvious to you that all this circuitous conversation i'm having with you attests to the reality of my sexual orientation and by failing to grasp it you demonstrate your habitual obtuseness. You never caught on, did you because i never told you. Your invitation to complicity and collusive , cosy chats on transference and counter transference fail to impress me in the slightest. We can sit and excoriate, talk all kinds of theoretical obliquities and recondite reasonings but the fact remains, incontrovertibly that sitting before you in a session , witnessing your handsomeness, discomfits me immeasurably.Because i am beset by longings i am unwilling to explore further for fear of discovering disconcerting aspects of my unconscious. I choose, rather, to let you know, that i will not be coming back. I hope you will understand.

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