Sunday, August 31, 2014

NON INVOLVEMENT

Men scare me and i confess that at the outset. There is, in married men,an
observable staidness and steadfastness which frightens me. And it frightens me because an outward demonstration of fidelity conceals,i am certain, primal impulses that because they are repressed manifest themselves with redoubled ferocity.
So i choose the easy way out. I get into relationships and as soon as a pattern begins to emerge, a settled quality i scuttle away before anything eventful occurs. There are many unhappy marriages wherein a simulacrum of love is discernible which is also a travesty of it. Many men, during courtship are on their best behavior and my putative flightiness is a way of maintaining that fun side while avoiding all the pitfalls and contingencies.
Trust me ,there are very few as staid as me. In fact i'd like nothing better than to have a stable relationship with a single person. Comforting to me is the thought of coming home after a tired day and finding the one person i love, with the love too, conspicuous and expressible. This ebb and flow tires me no end , this constant flux is exhausting but i am escaping misery by choosing transience, by opting for impermanence.
Neither can i nonchalantly disavow the relationships i have ended. A part of my being, entombed in the one i loved for that moment, is obliterated, leaving in its wake an emptiness i subsequently endeavor to overcompensate with another partner. The pattern, tautologous, replicates itself and i , believing myself protected from harm, continue to damage the core of my being which, however nebulous, nonetheless, is.
Though a relationship in itself brings out the myriad dimensions of my self. There is the calm, impassive me, whose unperturbed demeanor brings a measure of calm in a man who, fearful of hysterics, in nonplussed. Then there is the hysterical side of me which, after the man leaves, indulges in an orgy of bingeing on chocolates and wine.Overriding it all is the skeptical believer in me who believes despite unmitigated reality and doubts despite the promptings of my inner self. Caught in these interstices i flit neurotically, apprehending my predicament, knowing the way out yet, and yet, remaining non involvedly involved.

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