The day he left me to carry on with another relationship i felt relieved and reprieved. Our acrimonious sniping had persisted long enough for us to long for a release from monotonous squabbling and scoring points off each other. Ours was a battle for ascendancy and supremacy of suffering and the more we sought to establish ourselves as sufferers the more vituperative our eviscerations became.
When he left that day my relief was accompanied by a strange emptiness. Quarrelsomeness is grating but proof of propinquity, however incompatible and this sudden silence, a silence as much existential as circumstantial, left me bereft. It was strange that i was buffeted by contradictory feelings of liberation and self containment, a containment where my solitariness would be an essential, inescapable accompaniment.
There were moments when i longed to call him back, repatch our tumultuous relationship, accept that i was wrong and could we please carry on from where we left off. But such self abnegation was inconceivable to me even in this moment of weakness. Throughout my adult years i've been in one relationship or the other and i've rebounded often with great rapidity, precipitated into seeking closeness, only to be foiled repeatedly.
So an unpartnered residual loneliness was unavoidable. And frankly i was tired of all the searching around for a perfect partner. I wanted to lick my wounds in peace, contemplating, with growing equanimity, the prospects for my future which seemed strangely indeterminate and suffused with untapped possibility.
But the day he left me was spent largely in rumination. When we were conciliatory we were our better selves and when we fought the worst came out of us. In the midst of this oscillation between the was and should be our true selves were obliterated. And i suppose by a true self i imply an unequivocal awareness of conscious motives in the unconscious mind. But fidelity necessitates compromise and being an inveterate procrastinator i succumbed to the vagarious tides of feeling our relationship engendered and going by its shifting hues changed my stance of allegiance accordingly.
The decision he took to leave was taken the very morning he left. He was surprisingly humble, willing to take on his fair share of blame. I was rendered inarticulate as though the incessant din of our arguments was replaced by a disorienting interlude of unmitigated silence . Habituated to belligerence, acquiescence unnerved me. And before i could formulate a suitable rejoinder he'd already left.
This importunate gesture on his part left me confused. But i intend to sort things out in my mind. After all i've been neurotic long enough.