Sunday, July 20, 2014

TUMULTUOUS BEING

The crepuscular evenings depress me beyond measure. It is difficult, given my current solitary state, and a sorry state it is too, to hope for any reprieve from this unassailable loneliness. Scratch away at my dour simulacrum of independence and you will see a vulnerable heart that beats with love, for love, with the need for love. And thus i pine away or while away the time hoping for a change in circumstances but knowing, with irrevocable finality, the totality of my solitude.

We met by accident at a coffee shop where the sight of me pleased him immeasurably leading him to suggest a first date that i readily acquiesced too because i myself had just gotten out of a relationship and was on rebound mode and given the high levels of vulnerability and anticipation which conjoined to create an expectant readiness i was all too pliably ready to be subsumed under the aegis of another lover in order to escape my own existential solitariness.

Subsequently i left him and had to, given the fact of his incorrigible concealments, which, gradually, accreted and eroded the heart of our togetherness, nothwithstanding his utter intractability, an intransigence which, in its refusal to acknowledge that i, with my stake in the relationship too, might have my own needs and desires that, having overlooked completely, with his monumental selfishness, proved to be our undoing and i was glad, very glad to end the relationship, having felt, with not unjustifiable frustration that, in seeking subsumption under the canopy of love, i relinquished the totality of my identity.

Sheer solitude. Unmitigated fears. Penumbral dusk. Lonely meals. No arms. Protectively wrapped. Ensconcing warmly. Outside world. Terrifying introspection. House arrest. Grocery shopping. Meager meals. Insatiable appetite. Scant hunger. Terrifying aloneness. Life unwitnessed. Precipitate decline.

The loneliness got the better of me though i wanted to get the better of it. The neon lit up my porch and my porch, irradiated by the neon gave me hope. Hope was what i needed in this trying time and in trying times hope can outweigh disappointment.Disappointment outweighed by hope, much needed in trying times can, in the irradiated porch lit up by the neon given the fact that i wanted to get the better of the loneliness though it got the better of me and which i then fought off, gave me , despite everything, a desire to move on. So move on i did. 

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