Tuesday, July 15, 2014


He subsumed me, that was for certain. Perchance i was able to utter certain missives, wrought from frustration but the raiments of his consciousness remained unaltered. He was pugnacious, and in that very belligerence, lay his veracity. But consumed as i was by lust and subsumed under his spell i mistook the belligerence he demonstrated for love, as a confirmation of his essential authenticity. Waves of disquiet lapped at my feet, broke upon my benumbed consciousness but fortified by denial i pushed them back.

In any case it would seem incongruous that i allowed myself to inhabit the same tenebrous space for long. I opted out. It was self preservation. My censures to him went unresponded to, given his self image as irreproachable. I felt rather dull even when i was with him as though i suspended my normal exegetical faculties. The torpor of dispossession claimed me and i sank gratefully, unresisting, to its insinuating onslaughts.

Desirous of love but aware that my sincerity is off putting i have entered into many a relationship, though with least expectation of a responsiveness commensurate to my own proclamations of  truthfulness. And i do believe, very assiduously, in the virtue of truthfulness. I desire to have no blueprints of any potential lover i take to having. I prefer reality  undimmed .Scrupulous considerations must take precedence. Scrupulousness is a virtue i consider sacrosanct. All subsequent prevarications and they are inevitable are immaterial.

Which is why his untrustworthiness was so disappointing and disillusioning. I had thought that his perturbation at having to reveal his real self may have discomfited him. But now i wonder as to whether there is a real self. All that seems discernible to me is a conglomeration of lies he's told himself to buttress his own sense of deracination.

So i left him. I felt my own edifice of unimpeachability dissolving in the wake of his tireless, ceaseless dissimulation. We squabbled endlessly and endeavored to hold on to the selves we believed in. That i inhabit a skin of unquestionable honesty is clear to me. He is the narcissist. Yes i've had issues in the past but psychotherapy has resolved all that confusion and chaos. I am ready for my next relationship knowing that the authentication of my being will be my bulwark .

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