The whole day, or rather if yesterday night were included too, has been spent beside the phone. I anticipate his call any time and am fearful that any momentary departure from my proximity to the phone may occasion a deep dereliction. That i should not be disbarred from spontaneity was my unrealistic expectation from myself but any freedoms the self envisages for itself is always undermined by a patina of choice that entombs, with irrevocable finality, absence of options.
Well my assiduous vigilance regarding the phone is a proof of my love. I would say, with utmost candor that i am reluctant to sidestep self knowledge for the sake of an anodyne illusion. To me unimpeachability precludes all relationships and any incipient insecurity my waiting by the phone may demonstrate is fictitious. I am i love, madly so and i want to savor every single moment of our unpredictable intimacy, unpredictable because temporality bars an unmitigated propinquity.
It may also seem ironical, given the self knowledge i allude so strenuously to, to see me sitting beside an intractable phone whose machinations are designed to foil, whose impropriety to the proprietary feelings our relationship impels in me. I must curb any misgiving that i may experience, eschew any convoluted consciousness of impenetrability this silence may betoken. Above all,in the face of the fact of not being called , considering my sincere belief in the veracity of our love, i must maintain an equilibrium, however precarious it might be.
And indeed it seems inevitable that though circumstances may have rendered the unresponsiveness i see in him not calling unavoidable i am beset by contradictory, conflicting feelings of dispossession. It is not fear of being overlooked that affects me thus but the fact that i believed the intensity of our love overrode causal capriciousness. I thought, knowing fully well i had a sufficiently viable reason for presuming so, if presumption it is, that it is not the fact of his not calling but the ineluctability of his calling that would be incontrovertible.
And indeed call he will. My vigil shall not be fruitless, nor my sincere watchfulness unrewarded. Latent dread is really just subconscious insecurity. I believe unequivocally that our love shall withstand all travails.
I must be careful, when he calls ,to obliterate any trace of misgiving the inopportune time of his call would have engendered. And by a sleight of insouciance i shall just about manage it.