Wednesday, July 23, 2014

PERSPECTIVATION.

The question is - does he love me. ?

When the waves gleam incandescently and circumstances are conducive, i think that he does love me.

There are  moments in the gloaming when my self belief is shattered. I feel a form of self alienation,as though i myself don't belong in my own self conception. I feel, even then, that he loves me.

There are times when i am angry, resentful, grudging. I withhold my love yet i dissimulate conveying at least a facsimile of it. It is almost as though i overcompensate my lack of feeling by an avowal of at least something that reflects it, however indistinctly. All said and done  i believe that he loves me.

Looking into the mirror that is our relationship i am often taken aback by unsavory ruminations on narcissism. I am not always honest. Sometimes i pretend or rather construct an image that is at variance with my true authentic being. Though if i were, even with faith, to disclose my being i would surrender all my defenses and . So i don't give of myself fully. Still he loves me.

It is shattering to have damaged self esteem. Not only does it deracinate the self from the self but makes engagement with others inauthentic. Does he, then, still love me?

When i withhold and conceal not only do i  make an apocryphal proclamation that is insincere and meretricious  or overcompensate but also deny to him his own understanding of who and what i am because it shatters his image of me. Is it ,then, fit for him to love me?

Speaking of mirrors, they must never be taken for granted because they lie. The proffer something that we believe is truthful when it isn't . If the blueprint that i reflect to him unambiguously is what he unambivalently takes for granted then are we living an illusion, a makeshift unison or if i am not, as noted, corresponding to his blueprint of me then, should he love me?

Yesterday over a cup of coffee i reiterated again and again that i loved him. My unceasing asseverations must have struck home to him, given his self belief , the veracity of my regard. Or do my protracted assertions counteract the impression i seek to convey?  I think ,taking all into account, he loves me.

Watching my own face while washing it i saw my countenance reflected in the mirror. In this unguarded moment of utmost privacy i confronted myself with the lies i'd been telling myself, the illusions i'd been spawning on both our behalf. It was a moment of reckoning. I was tired of the prevarications i'd indulged in. I wanted an uncomplicated togetherness. Despite everything, he loves me.

And really, thinking through all this i came to the conclusion, seemingly retrospective, though predetermined was that the falseness i ceaselessly berated myself for may have emerged from the fact that i am falling out of any faith in our conjunction . The mirror never lies. And in that moment when the reality behind my self revilings was laid bare to me i was forced to face the important question.

The question is- do i love him?

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