Saturday, July 5, 2014

DOPPELGANGER

Doppelganger's are fun. The ghostly  counterpart  of the self. And being fascinated by the human mind doppelganger's and their prospect suffused me with irresistible excitation. Yet, ruminating, with assiduous sincerity on the possibility of my own doppelganger i foundered. My conceptualizations remained unformulated and nebulous. Because to conceptualize an 'other' needed a self to fall back on, a self from whose inescapable coordinates the lineaments of the 'other ' may be promulgated. But then i scarcely knew myself and in the face of this disconnection from my own being my cogitations remained indeterminate.

So with indefatigable positive faith in my capacity for self discovery i took to glancing at the mirror. I saw myself yet it was a self unrecognizable to me. Where tufts of hair stood out on my forehead so did it in my reflection. Each aspect of my physiognomy was replicated faithfully, unambiguously and i could still not find myself. And that was because though the mediation of the mirror fragmented me it also split me. The other could not be me. Wan't the upward tilt of the nose in the mirror a tad bit more pronounced and the look in the eye cloudier as also the bushier mustache. Thus i rationalized to myself, though it involved a negation of what the mirror stood for, the negation of my own singular cleftness.

I went to a psychoanalyst and poured forth my inchoate meanderings hoping that she would cohere and render explicable the misshapen diffusity of my own life. Layer after layer of the past was unpeeled, interpretations were propounded, the integument of repression unraveled. Thus, with the analyst's ministrations a simulacrum of myself was aggregated, precarious but incontrovertibly its own reality.

Then i went back to the mirror with this facsimile of an identity. And this time around too, the doppelganger failed to materialize. With the retrospective knowledge that my being was composed of what i made of it i imbued the doppelganger with a similar set of constructions. If i persisted in sticking to the word doppelganger i would have to obliterate its actualization in my own being. Otherwise a doppelganger was being constructed out of me, by me and for whom? As a counterpoint that was indivisibly individual yet cleaved to me a doppelganger was simultaneously evanescent and tangible.

Eventually my search for a doppelganger was stalled when i came to the conclusion, though it is only my own construction and not unvarnished truth, that the doppelganger was a performance, a performance the self enacted to alleviate the unrelenting oblivion of existential unavoidability. A doppelganger was a split between collective being and singular becoming. Where the singular began, the performance emerged. And isn't it an irony of existence and being that only a negation of itself from itself and its reconstitution through the doppelganger that the true meaning of existence lies. Existential credibility is hard to sustain, the performance a defense mechanism against the oblivion of nothingness. Always easier to act than be. 

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