Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A TIME OF TRAVAIL

I spent those few months in a tumult of worry.His protracted absence, unenlivened even by a letter or mail, was a stimulus to worry. And worry i did, fulminating at his unconscionable behavior, of the justifications he'd ineluctably provide and my subsequent acquiescence to his dissembling. I saw the script clearly, knew the conclusion clearly.

There were moments when, with lucid certainty ,i knew that i needed to change things by changing myself. His interplay of rejection and acceptance became a canopy i sheathed myself in, hoping that thus i could circumvent the emptiness of my own life, the nothingness that often fell on me, unresistingly, on a particular point of lonesomeness and insecurity.

Nights i scour my email, hoping for some intimation. By day i am so enervated that even moving my fingers seems insurmountable. I ought to be sitting down and working on my book. So does my rational consciousness expostulate with me, remonstrates me but the obsessiveness that this relationship has wrought in me renders any absolution inadmissible.

And it isn't as though i don't know myself. I know i have self esteem issues and have had them for quite some time now. I know that i have a propensity to seek out experiences that mirror past experiences. That i am, in many ways, a masochist and despite the knowledge of the convoluted spirals of my own unconscious here i find myself, yet again, unavoidably enmeshed in a conundrum of my own making, a tautologous phenomenon from which both escape and transcendence seem inconceivable.

I intend to call it quits now. My mind is circumambulating the cancerous heart of our intersection. I need to step outside this loop, i need to find a way to extricate myself from this solipsism he has brought out in me with regard to him. Him, on the other hand, will be impassive, impersonal, agreeably philosophic while my mind will run in crazy circles trying to find out the temporal circumscription of our togetherness and the subsequent interlude of self disgusted narcissism i will go through.

Here's a mail from him. He wants to drop in for dinner tomorrow. I better buy some wine.

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