Friday, June 20, 2014


When i look back on the moments in my life where the whiff of reprieve was most conspicuous i recall , with great clarity, moments of nothingness. It was a form of existence that was non existent or rather non existence was the ontology of existence. I felt disconnected, as though i didn't belong and my unbelonging was in concordance with my sense of emptiness. Strangely when i felt nothing i felt most alive. I eschewed emotional blandishments, i forbore to embellish the relative straightforwardness of my outwardly uneventful but inwardly tumultuous life. In short, while a simulacrum of orderliness was maintained, even if that order emanated from non being, an inward freneticism prevailed.

To feel nothingness isn't merely feeling nothing. It is a dark hinterland where the unconscious is at its most primordial. When i felt non existent i meant perhaps my sense of detachment from the vitality of experience, its thereness, its aliveness. In the penumbra of blankness i felt like a blank palimpsest, all hieroglyphs erased, all meaning obliterated. And in the wave of this nothingness i felt unremitting, unbearable despair, a despair which pushed me, repeatedly, sometimes without my volition, to the edge of annihilation.

An imprimatur of sanctity underlies the life we are given so we sustain and buoy ourselves up as best as we can or at least most do. Even such self created absolution was denied me. I felt a certain crepuscularity about my life, as though in perpetual gloaming, neither diurnally incandescent nor nocturnally luminous but somewhere in the interstices. I was simply living out my days, waiting for the moment when life would prove to be too much and i could willingly, relievedly relinquish my hold on a life that seemed perennially amorphous. In fact life was, ironically, a waiting out, like the lady of shallott, in a state of passivity or rather impassivity.

Yet this interlude where non being asserted its presence most forcefully i felt oppressed as though my waiting for an opportune moment was unbeknownst to me a prolongation of the very life whose termination i sought so precipitately. Tired of waiting for my enervation to dissipate, exasperated with the unmitigated extension of what seemed unendurable and desirous of foreclosing, through the mediation of my own agency, an existence which neither fulfilled nor negated me but kept me on a limbo ,i took a decisive step.

I tied the knot around my neck and blissfully departed, as with one's best beloved, to the otherworld. 

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