Tuesday, May 13, 2014

THE SOBRIETY OF THE SEASCAPE- PERSONAL COGITATIONS

When i stand by the shore, the waves lap at my feet. Their unceasing ebb and flow betokens a continuity which seems both transient yet immutable. I journeyed here to seek escape, escape from the importuning demands of oppressive experience in a relationship where my passivity, my self effacement rendered me invisible, obliterated me. Here, with the waves unceasing advance and retraction i reaggregate a modicum of the self i relinquished, rather willfully because had i chosen i would have extricated myself from this mess but i, perhaps masochistically, or with foreclosed inevitability chose to stay, chose to undergo further suffering.

Striations of sand crumble underneath my feet. They are smooth yet gritty. Their feel on my integument is silky yet abrasive. The sun irradiates the waves with shimmering light that blinds the eyes for an instant and then as the eye readjusts specks of luminosity spark off, ricochet, creating a spangle of conglomerating points of iridescence that is touching. In this heat, where the tautness of my muscles is unknotted, where i become langorous, indolent i ruminate on ending this closed circle of self hatred i inhabit.

For it is true that he embalmed me, made me become what he wanted me to be. He shaped me, gave me form but like all creation i evinced a simulacrum of acquiescence that concealed my own primordial propensities. Clearly he was convinced of his invincibility and my precipitate departure must have shocked him too, out of the complacent self regard of unabashed egotism.

As the day wanes a cool breeze evaporates the beads of sweat the sun embeds on my pliant skin. The wind blows my hair around. In this penumbral landscape i hear the susurration of subterranean insects. In the light of the neon, the undersea glows momentarily phosphorescent. The waves swell as moonlight advances, attenuate their flanks, roiling and encroaching on the landscape. All odors, pleasurable by day, become stale and malodorous. Their disagreeable emanations mingle with the saline tang of sea water, the crisp scent of ferns and the nocturnal emissions of plants, piquant yet sharp.

Leaving him was unavoidable. I need closure. I want to call it quits. Because throughout this relationship i abrogated my subjectivity. I was compliant, molding myself according to the blueprints he shaped around me. The evanescent permanence of nature gives me courage, distills hope because i know that any retraction from my resolve would have irrecoverable consequences, would imbue with finality something that could have been circumvented. My essence, stoppered for so long, wafts out through the crevices of his precarious narcissism. Here, in this tenebrous night i reassemble myself, putting together a coherent being, not a makeshift facsimile. A strong will, an inexorable strength is called for to finish things off.

The morning is bright with unsullied light. The sea is incandescent. My resolve is determined. I pack my bags and move homewards, where freedom always reposed. 

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