I was mystified and baffled by him.He was like an archaic hieroglyph,unfathomable.I simply could not plumb his depths.The more i tried to discern his wholeness the more he deconstructed himself into his component parts so that all i could see was a tantalising glimpse,a blurry outline,and disconnected fragments.i wanted not just his tangible physical self but his impalpable inner being as well.I wanted us to absorb ourselves in each other except ,of course that we couldn't.
It was a failure of nerve on his part.Like measured sips he would give of himself slowly but always holding something back.The absorption i envisaged for us he perceived as a relinquishment of self.He didn't wish to be subsumed.He viewed my theories,for to him they were mere abstractions as belonging to the realm of the impossible.He believed wholly in the concrete.For him life was a seamless rite of passage from moment to moment.He perceived my wish for our toghetherness as a form of annihilation and reckless self abandonment.
He was a connoisseur of the here and now.Life for him was a gradual,imperceptible yet inexorable progression from one dimension of time to another,chronologically.Not for him my circuitous circumlocutry whorls of randomness.I operated from an ideal space ,for him everything had to be pragmatic.
yet,time as we know is not linear.Memories ,dreams for instance defy the forward propulsion of time.What amazed me was his unmitigated denial of this loop,that is time.Was he going to deny me my memories of our togetherness,our iridescent moments of being perceived for their piquancy than their synchronicity.Our there-ness has become a penumbra.what used to be incandescent has now become shadowy.This unperceived metamorphosis is confusing.He,perversely enough put me first in order to give supremacy to himself.For in the fulfillment of my small pleasures he derived happiness which was selfish because his self abnegation carried him en route to the alleyways of self satisfaction.All i have been able to put together here are random bits and pieces in deference to the multiple movements of inner time and temporal,spatial arbitrariness of the mind.
Try as i might to grasp his elusive,quicksilver personality,i am bound to fail.
Is it because our love is the love of like for like?