Thursday, May 8, 2014

ambiguity

How deep is depth?how intense is intensity?Such were the unanswerable imponderables that resurfaced in my consciousness.The day was subfusc ,with light prismatically refracted as though through a mist.What i was actually ruminating over was him.And thinking about him gave rise to certain philosophical speculations.Our relationship was like all others a combination of self assertion and self effacement.We could inhabit both imaginative spaces at one and the same time because one proclivity was immanent in the other.We were like mirrors.We had the illusion of seeing in the other's eyes the unambivalent truth but what we actually saw was ourselves superimposed in eath other'e eyes.Each saw the other in relation to themselves so much so that the concept of arriving at an understanding of the other seemed impossible to attain.Perception of the other was cluttered with our own desire to see ourselves as being incontroveribly right.
 
He progressed desultorily from one ream of being to another.He suffered from apathetic existential boredom and saw life not as  a sunny beach where one could bask but as a dark,dank,dim passageway obstructing light.Sometimes i felt he viewed our togetherness with the same bleak inevitability.Our being conjoined was for him novel,perhaps it freed him from the spasms of self alienation that assailed him from time to time.But if i was simply a distraction what was my worth in his eyes.I often found myself cogitating over this.He certainly did not judge me and indeed seemed to accept me for what i stood for without wanting to mold me into the image in his mind's eye.Maybe this was the only form of love he was capable of manifesting.
 
In any case a carapace or patina of perfection seems to be the order of the day between us.How much of another person can one truly understand.how deep can you go into the soul of a fellow human being.The ultimate fathomability of a person is a metaphysical abstraction.At the end of the day this unknowing seems to have worked best.If both of us can coexist,making the necessary compromises,being there when needed then nothing matters more.As for his boredom it is an amplified form of perceiving the world philosophically,a malaise which afflicts me from too.Being with him is vertiginous .There is the thrill in it which transcends the superficiality most relationships are constituted of.We may not share everything but are secure in the dimensions we occupy.No point in extrapolating into either the past or the future.The sheer joy of unison is enough.
 
I may not grasp his essence or maybe there is no essence.There is just him,the unequivocal him,the reality of which is immitigable.
for now,the present extends to eternity ,time stands still,existence carries itself forward and we move in step from moment to moment unaware of what lies ahead.

No comments:

Post a Comment