Monday, March 31, 2014


It was like watching a performance, what i did and its replication in the mirror. And i was amused by this playmate who seemed to put its hand on its nether regions as i did, sucked its thumb as i did and rolled on the floor as i did, as i watched it from the corner of my eye, being and doing simultaneously.

Because i didn't have a concrete idea of self i couldn't envisage the image as tangible either. In that state i was bemused, rather than confused, at the spectacle that presented itself before me. Because my self conception was uncertain my embodiment of the reflection with palpable form was equally uncertain. To give form presupposes an awareness of a pre existent form or sheath and i somewhere did not have that. Nor did i possess sufficient perspicuity to create my own form . So our colloquy, which was really a monologue continued.

Sometimes it did seem, in that state of unknowingness that i was watching a performance, something being demonstrated to me for my benefit, something that emanated from me and was being redirected at me. And if being and doing were revealed as being and doing then where was ontology. If, each time i performed, i accoutred myself with newer pantomimes , pantomimes  i created then why did i feel baffled that i was being externalized to produce this facsimile that reoriented me to the nature of what i was, indubitably, doing.

I have no doubt that the performative reasoning emerged from a lack, a lack both of wholeness which i yearned timelessly for and a structure i could inveigle myself into, inhabiting its folds, ensconcing myself comfortably in its fold and draperies. Doubt enters through absence of faith, a faith that has neither predicate nor metonymy.

Hence i existed, in the hinterland of my inner unbelonging, knowing that i was neither here nor there, watching my performance knowing it was a performance but desirous of obliterating this knowledge from my consciousness. 

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