Monday, March 24, 2014

ANNIHILATION

My gaze locked into my reflection the mirror. I was suffused with self contradictions. Being of a naturally lugubrious disposition and precarious about the nature of who i was i often communed with the mirror. This unreciprocated, singular intersection pleased me with gratuitous self satisfaction because i did not see what i wanted to nor what i abhorred. I saw, well i just saw me.

Being unremarkable , a doleful reproachfulness would often be my lot when onlookers projected me into my reflection, attributing causalities that were apocryphal. The reflexiveness of the mirror and my unambiguous, self contained specularity pleased me. I was neither subject of illusory fantasizing nor was i in denial. I projected my completeness on to the mirror through extrojection and introjected the wholeness that was reflected back to me.

Which is ironical because aren't project/intro/extro jections a supplanting of banality through fancy,a way of palliating discontent with self through a leap of faith. Perhaps not so unsurprising after all because in a fragmented culture wholeness seems chimerical and a patina of the phantasmatic alleviates the misery of wholesomeness.

Today as i gazed at the mirror i saw time stalled, duration in stasis, temporality suspended. I seemed to inhabit a tenebrous void, nothingness emanated from every aperture in my consciousness. The reality of self containment, so preciously held became a point of timeless, durationless emptiness. I was zero, nothing, a blank space. Where i had assumed that my self knowledge was absolution, a resistance to fragmentation i saw my self knowledge fragmented into pixels of  blankness in face of the constitutive entropy of  oblivion.

I smashed the mirror, picked up the shard and dug its sharp, jagged edge deep into my throbbing vein.

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