Sunday, February 9, 2014


I exist in tenebrous nullity. It is because i am not, that i am. It is also that i am not because i am. Uncertainty unspools from me . Incertitude constitutes me. I could perhaps seek a being solely mine, seek those inchoate filaments that would determine me yet not 'determine' me. Have i made myself what i am or was i made to be what i am ? Did becoming causally make being possible or being laid out, by itself, the blueprint of becoming.

I gaze at the mirror. I tame my unruly hair. I rumple my tufted spikes with the comb. I readjust my scruffy clothes by reassembling them into linear patterns of uncreased coherence. My scuffed shoes leave piquant indentations on the carpet. But mostly i gaze inwards, hoping to traverse layers of consciousness, trying to find a fulcrum. I evince the propensity of congealing illusion. I also demonstrate unambivalent truth. I contain in myself what there is though i reconfigure myself to correspond to the significations imposed on me. I like to believe in pleasing everyone but if, under the pressure of a disagreeable fact, people choose to be irascible or petulant i am unable to augment their chimerical belief.

Being possessed of a fundamental honesty i try to speak the truth. I examine myself scrupulously. Sometimes it seems i spawn illusions, proliferate patinas of facticity ,while other times the unwieldy burden of the revelations i am assailed with encumber me immeasurably. My postulates would, in any case, be hypothetical unless they were underpinned by a realistic conception of being which would self reflexively deepen. The thickened rims of the mirror fade in the opalescent dusk but the neon illuminates the artificiality of the form i impose and how i, too am formed by what forms me.

Being oneself, being one's own authentic self, being what we make ourselves or being what we've always been takes courage. It takes guts to be veracious. performance is easier because it entails a dissimulation. But as you have gathered, i occupy this dialectical space where what there is wrestles with what there should be or could be. With me, only ambivalence is possible. Ambiguity is my sole being.

I am what i have become or i have become what i was. you must be careful what you ask for because with me what you see will be more than what you see.

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