Sunday, April 7, 2013

THE QUEER CONSCIOUSNESS

Perhaps my recondite cogitations were, in that crepuscular hinterland between knowing and unknowing, inevitably oscillated towards the phenomena of mirrors and the multitudinous possibilities of self understanding they proffered. Now mirrors have always been veracious things for me. Any affirmation i need regarding myself, however anomalous it might be has been attained through mirrors. Which is why, assailed by incertitude i chose to let my consciousness run free as i glanced into my reflection. Or rather the panoply of reflections which mirrors set free were themselves in flight.

Does the image that is yielded bespeak a reality. Like a pool i submerge and plunge, sifting through gossamer detritus, trying to wrest certainty from the ineluctably unknowable. The panoply of multiplicities that meets my eye/I  are highly nebulous and do not proffer the assurance i seek. On the contrary suffused by self righteousness, ratified by my unimpeachable sureness i impose has on the forms i encounter, create my own blueprints out of the concatenated crenellations that stipple the kaleidoscopic pool/mirror of my being.

Soon, unbeknownst to the conscious i realize that the configurations i am constructing are freeing or were always free from the meaning i imposed on them. Their indubitable presence attests to their intractable tractability. They float around as phenomene, perhaps impalpably colored but largely unaffected. Sometimes they dwell subterraneously , indistinct to clouded conscious yet unavoidably there. And i realize that in the quest for self definition i have unloosed myself from the mosaic of multifariousness that constitute me and intransigently exonerated myself by attributing a telos to myself.

Which is all the more farcical because i came into being through non being. Out of the cavalcade of innumerables i emerged with my own becoming but unanchored to any putative being. Therefore my ontologizing of myself at the cost of negating other possibilities underpines the indistinguishability from that through whose absence i emerged yet an absence which masqueraded as ubiquitous because it was believed so. Unobliterated, nascent, latent i dwelt underneath, perhaps outwardly intangible yet there. And here i was replicating the same negation that sought to deny me my being.

From thence came the self realization that amorphousness was the undeniable reality constituting us all. propulsive machinations towards definitions would be illusory. The bones flesh sheathes me in is unavoidably my being but a fragment of it. Distilled through a collective aegis my kind had been invalidated. Now that our emergent consciousnesses are coming to be we must acknowledge the mosaic being is and create a space for us to be both what we think we are and what we want to be.