Wednesday, October 9, 2013

FEAR

Invulnerability is my ontology. I come into being out of fearlessness. It is because i don't fear, that i am. Coruscating specks of causalities float past me, with their irrevocable intimations yet i am, singularly unafraid. Many tell me that my negation stems from inexperience, from a nascent state of unapprehended reality. What is that reality, which these assiduous promulgators indefatigably asseverate, is highly amorphous.

To disentangle fear from experience is no small feat. The experience and the attendant emotional reality it entombes are indistinguishable yet impalpable. Fear, i discern emerges from uncertainty, unanticipated fatalism and dread. The emotion is a retroactive predetermination. It is both prelude and consequence. It brings the experiential impetus behind indeterminate experience into being and subsequently dapples it with its inexorability.

It also occurs to me that fear is the corporeal equivalent of metaphysical incertitude. Fear is the apotheosis of tenuous intimations, latent, immanent which roil within, twisting and turning, churning ,only to be regurgitated when consciousness, unable to keep in stasis the ebbs and flows of precariousness , throws up the constituents. The detritus becomes fear.

Yet, a wake of apprehension suffuses me even as i proclaim my inveterate proclivity of fearlessness. It is apparent that certain phosphorescent propensities, subsumed in the gloaming of subconsciousness proffer streaks of disquiet . There is something, something nebulous which is preoccupying me and congealing intransigently as a subterranean , unguessed, ungrasped and indiscernible stipple. I am possessed of the ability of self excoriation and until i unravel the penumbral recesses of this frustrating interstice between knowing and unknowing i will remain discontented.

A sense of finality is discomfiting me. Recollections of heroic feats of unafraidness are not heralding self congratulatory complacence or self sufficient quietude. On the contrary an indwelling uncertainty subsumes me with anxiety. It is not that i will suddenly start fearing because my lexicon disallows the possibility of its realization. What is cognitively unknown and repudiated does not, like the unconscious confer streaks of unknowability. Conscious crystallization of being confers an imprimatur of anthropomorphism. Yet there are chinks in the armor, blurrings and blottings underneath the palimpsest of my fulcrum. Random hieroglyphs circumambulate.

And after incessant ruminations i have come to the conclusion that though i don't fear i fear fear itself. So determined is my effort to transcend collective fear that i witness, with unutterable anxiety, the prospect of my submergence into the undifferentiated wholeness of the phenomenon of fear itself. Hence i must circumvent, thus must i bypass, forthwith must i repudiate what i may become which will, ironically , be a reversion to what i was.

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